The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.
He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues; but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,...
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!!!"
Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:
DA END ISS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!
As a car sped past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"
From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."
"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge Out?'"
Only a farm kid would see it this way! When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment...then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. “ Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
I'm bringing it up again because of the recent scandal involving the Veterans Administration. It seems they can't handle the number of veterans needing their assistance at VA Hospitals across the country.
True, they have certain internal policies and staffing issues that need to be addressed in the very near future, but it seems to me a few more hospitals would ease the burden.
That's why it aggravates me to no end to know that there is a perfectly good hospital building, recently vacated, sitting in Harriman, Tennessee that the city has offered to the VA for $1 a year!
Harriman's Roane Medical Center closed last year and moved operations to a brand new facility in Midtown (about 5.3 miles away), which centralizes their services to Roane, Morgan, Rhea, and other areas in East Tennessee. There is nothing wrong with the old facility, and would make a great hospital for VA services.
City Officials offered the facility to the VA and they came and toured, but declined the one dollar a year lease offer.
Frankly, especially after the recent scandal, the area is shocked! Why is this perfectly fine facility not being used, when there clearly is a dire need for doctors, beds, and services? It is estimated that this Roane County facility could serve up to 100,000 veterans inAnderson,
Blount, Cumberland, Knox, Loudon, McMinn, Meigs, Monroe, Morgan, Rhea,
Roane and Scott counties, and save them hours of driving and fuel costs driving to get help.
And, it's true, Harriman needs the help in bringing money and commerce into the area, but when there is a clear need for this VA facility, it's a win, win, for everyone.
If you read this, please try and get the word out to congressmen, both city, state, and nationally about this issue. It seems this is one way to stand up for our servicemen!
Here are a few places to start getting attention to this problem:
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her scooter and loved to charge
around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and
getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other
residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened
and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice.
'Have you got a license for that thing?'
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat
wrapper and held it up to him.
'OK', he said and away Ethel sped
down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird
Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you proof
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and
held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way,
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in
front of her, butt- naked, and holding his
'You-Know- What' in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel,
'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test
Honey, a car has hit me while I was out of the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital.
They have been running tests and taking X-rays , but I think it’s bad.
blow to my head was very strong. Fortunately it seems that it may
not have caused too much serious damage, but I have three broken ribs,
a compound fracture of the left leg, and they may have to amputate
the right foot.