Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Dear Abby...My husband is a liar and a cheat!

Dear Abby, 

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.

What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. 

Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. 

All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. 

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. 

What should I do? 

Signed: Clueless 

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States .

Sunday, August 23, 2015

The One Job Every Retired Man Has

 Someone asked me, "...And now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"

 I replied, "Yes - I am my wife's sexual adviser."

Somewhat shocked, they said, "I beg your pardon, but what exactly do you mean by that?"

"Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask me for it."  

Saturday, August 22, 2015

HOW TO GET TIME OFF

Two factory workers were talking. 

"I know how to get some time off from work," said the man.  

"How do you think you will do that?" said the other one. 

He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down.  The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? 

"I'm a light bulb," answered the guy.  

"I think you need some time off," said the boss. 

So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. 

The second worker began walking out too.  The boss asked her where did she think she was going?  

"Home. I can't work in the dark."

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Sunday, August 16, 2015

WHAT AMERICA USED TO BE ABLE TO DO...

Not only is the picture awesome but so are the statistics!
During the 3-1/2 years of World War 2 that started with the Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor in December 1941 and ended with the Surrender of Germany and Japan in 1945,

"We the People of the U.S.A."  produced the following:
22 aircraft carriers,
8 battleships,
48 cruisers,
349 destroyers,
420 destroyer escorts,
203 submarines,
34 million tons of merchant ships,
100,000 fighter aircraft,
98,000 bombers,
24,000 transport aircraft,
58,000 training aircraft,
93,000 tanks,
257,000 artillery pieces,
105,000 mortars,
3,000,000 machine guns, and
2,500,000 military trucks. 

We put 16.1 million men in uniform in the various armed services, invaded Africa, invaded Sicily and Italy, won the battle for the Atlantic, planned and executed D-Day, marched across the Pacific and Europe, developed the atomic bomb, and ultimately conquered Japan and Germany.

It's worth noting, that during the almost exact amount of time, the Obama Administration couldn't even build a web site that worked.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

That Damned Confederate Flag

Thank God that damned Confederate Flag is finally being removed from the South Carolina capitol. 

It's comforting to know that racism will finally be ended by pulling down this flag, and blacks will now be free to live the American dream; free to keep their families together, free to value education, free to support their own children, free to stop murdering each other, free to graduate from high school, free to get married before having babies, free to stop crime in their neighborhoods.  We will all rest easier knowing that those problems have finally ceased to exist, just because the flag has been taken down.

Friday, August 14, 2015

PRECIOUS MEMORIES

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."

The pastor shouted out "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."
The Pastor said "SEX". The congregation fell into total silence. 

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES". 

Gotta Love Little Old Ladies.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Why Asses Are Hired In Government

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
 
He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
 
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
 
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
 
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.
 
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The king and queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
 
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!
 
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
 
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
 
So the king hired the donkey.
 
And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and influential positions.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

WORST GOLF FOURSOME EVER

1. MONICA LEWINSKY
2. O. J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON

WHY, YOU ASK?


 

(You're going to love this!


1. MONICA IS A HOOKER
2. O. J. IS A SLICER
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST

Friday, July 31, 2015

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Men's Logic

She was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her husband walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner. 

Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house while she labored away on the weeds, she snapped, "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Pretend I'm out of town, go inside and make dinner yourself!

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall beer. 

His wife walked in just about the time he was finishing up and asked, "Where's my dinner?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Eternal Life

A guy is walking along a Florida beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.  He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub to brush off the sand. 

A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish. 
 
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."
"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
 
"OK, then, I want to die after the Democrats balance the budget and eliminate the debt.

"You crafty little bastard," said the genie.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

It's A Matter Of Perspective

I came home after playing a round of golf today.  There was a note on the fridge from my wife that said, “It's not working, gone to stay with my mother.  I can't take it any more.

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold.
  

What the hell is she talking about?

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Monday, July 20, 2015

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Friday, July 3, 2015

Wow! I'm On A Windfall Roll!

THOUGHT I’D LET YOU KNOW ABOUT MY SURPRISE WINDFALL...

I won a Nigerian lottery according to an email from a Nigerian prince.    

He holds the sum of ONE MILLION DOLLARS in my name and he wants to send it to me FREE!  

All I have to do is give  him my bank account number, and send him $500.00 US dollars  cash, to show my good faith, so he can transfer the  money!  

And then I got  ANOTHER email.  It's from a KENYAN prince who wants to give me FREE healthcare for life!  


All I have to do is give him MY  BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER, MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER MY CONFIDENTIAL HEALTH INFORMATION and pay $700 per month  for a policy with only a $10,000 deductible. Then he can make  it happen!  

Am I on a roll or  what!   

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Thursday, June 25, 2015

An answer to ' Why go to church?'

  • If you're spiritually alive, you're going to love this! 
  • If you're spiritually dead, you won't want to read it.
  • If you're spiritually curious, there is still hope!

A Church goer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday. 'I've gone for 30 years now,' he wrote, 'and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons, but for the life of me, I can't remember a single one of them. So, I think I'm wasting my time and the priests are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all.'
 
This started a real controversy in the 'Letters to the Editor' column. 

Much to the delight of the editor, it went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:
'I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But, for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals. But I do know this: They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!

When you are DOWN to nothing, God is UP to something!
Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible! 

Thank God for our physical and our spiritual nourishment!
 
All right, now that you're done reading, send it on ! I think everyone should read this ! 

When Satan is knocking at your door, simply say, 'Jesus, could you get that for me, while I forward this message to your children?'
 
IF YOU CANNOT SEE GOD IN ALL, 
YOU CANNOT SEE GOD AT ALL ! 

B. I. B. L. E. simply means: Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth! Did you know that......? 

  • When you carry "the Bible", Satan has a head ache.
  • When you open it, he collapses;
  • When he sees you reading it, he loses his strength, AND
  • When you stand on the Word of God, Satan can't hurt you!
  • When you are about to tell others, the devil will discourage you.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

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