Thursday, March 5, 2015

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

The Sugar Test

One day an old man goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon laying them on the counter.  He asks the pharmacist, “Could you taste this for me, please?

Being a senior citizen, the pharmacists went along, taking the spoon with a tiny bit of the liquid, puts it in his mouth swills the liquid around, and with a grimacing look, spits it out in a cup.

Now does that taste sweet to you”, says the old man?
The pharmacists said to the old man, “Hell no!

Oh, that's a relief,” says the old man.  “The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar.”

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Jihadist's Testicles Are An Aphrodisiac - Who Knew?

"If we could convince the Chinese that Jihadist's testicles are an aphrodisiac, in 10 years Jihadists would be extinct ..."

Saturday, February 28, 2015

BLOGGER - Pain In The Ass!

Speaking of pains in the ass, Blogger is shutting down the ol' Silverback!  The say I'm offensive...if passing on jokes is offensive, I apologize!  
Oh well, it's been a good be it!

Blogger can stick this up their asses!

Here is what they've said:

Reply-To: Blogger
Dear Blogger User,

We're writing to tell you about an upcoming change to the Blogger Content Policy that may affect your account.

In the coming weeks, we'll no longer allow blogs that contain sexually explicit or graphic nude images or video. We'll still allow nudity presented in artistic, educational, documentary, or scientific contexts, or where there are other substantial benefits to the public from not taking action on the content.

The new policy will go into effect on the 23rd of March 2015. After this policy goes into effect, Google will restrict access to any blog identified as being in violation of our revised policy. No content will be deleted, but only blog authors and those with whom they have expressly shared the blog will be able to see the content we've made private.

Our records indicate that your account may be affected by this policy change. Please refrain from creating new content that would violate this policy. Also, we ask that you make any necessary changes to your existing blog to comply as soon as possible, so that you won't experience any interruptions in service.

Sounds like censorship to me.  
Where's my "First Amendment Rights"?
Comment below...PLEASE!

Friday, February 27, 2015

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

It Seems Everyone Has A War Story!

Even the ones who weren't there!

Monday, February 23, 2015

Sunday, February 22, 2015

The American Nero!

Our great American Nero -
plays golf while the world begins to burn!

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Friday, February 20, 2015

Snotty Receptionist

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.  Of course, I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that  the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.

But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, “NO,I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT  DID YOURS.

The room erupted in applause!

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Money Does Not Grow On Trees, Mr. President!

Money comes from us hard working 
middle class Americans!

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

The Direction Of Our Government

When you vote for an incumbent you are perpetuating our government as it is now.  Nothing will change.  Here are 3 short sentences, you may find interesting.

These three, short sentences tell you a lot about the direction of our current government and cultural environment:

1.) We are advised NOT to judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics.

Funny how that works. And here's another one worth considering.

2.) Seems we constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of money.  How come we never hear about welfare or food stamps running out of money?  What's interesting is the first group "worked for" their money, but the second didn't.
Think about it....

Last but not least:

3.) Why are we cutting benefits for our veterans, no pay raises for our military and cutting our army to a level lower than before WWII, but we are not stopping payments to illegal aliens such as monthly payments for each child, money for housing, Food Stamps, free education including college and also the right to vote?

Am I the only one missing something?

Monday, February 16, 2015

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Saturday, February 14, 2015

How To Say I Love You In 10 Languages

I Love You
Te Amo
Je T'aime
Ich Liebe Dich
Ai Shite Imasu
Ti Amo
Wo Ai Ni
Jag Alskar Dig
As Tave Meliu
Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia.
Nice Tits,
Get in the Truck.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

The $50 Lesson

Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.

During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. 
She said she wanted to be President someday.
Both of her parents, Democratic Party members, were standing there so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied..."I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed with pride! "Wow...what a worthy goal!"
I said..."But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that!"
"What do you mean?" she replied.
So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. 
Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."  
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Friday, February 6, 2015

My Monkey Has Hair

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.  She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said, "that part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair."  The girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister, "my monkey has grown hair."

Her sister smiled and said, "that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

Mom fainted...

Thursday, February 5, 2015

The Spanish Computer!

A Spanish language teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz." 

A student asked, "What gender is 'Computer'?

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher divided the class into two groups, Male and Female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "Computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. 

The men's group decided that "Computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because: 
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck to buy accessories for it. 

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador"), because: 
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. 

The women won!

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Monday, February 2, 2015

Regional Attitudes On Guns

You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home.

By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable".

In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit".

In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector".

In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector".

In Utah and Florida he'd be called "moderately well prepared", but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend".

In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy".

In Idaho, he'd be called "The gubernatorial candidate".

In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor".

In North Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky, Alabama and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy".

In Texas, just a guy "a little short on ammo"!

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Bad Trip To The Dentist

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking...surely I can't look that old?

Well . . . You'll love this one.

My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room, for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been my high school classmate some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang,' he gleamed with pride.

When did you graduate?' I asked.

He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?' you were in my class!', I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit, son-of-a-bitch asked…'What did you teach??’

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Cash Talks!

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in....
I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"  
The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."
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