Friday, July 31, 2015

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Men's Logic

She was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her husband walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner. 

Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house while she labored away on the weeds, she snapped, "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Pretend I'm out of town, go inside and make dinner yourself!

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall beer. 

His wife walked in just about the time he was finishing up and asked, "Where's my dinner?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Eternal Life

A guy is walking along a Florida beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.  He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub to brush off the sand. 

A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish. 
 
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."
"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
 
"OK, then, I want to die after the Democrats balance the budget and eliminate the debt.

"You crafty little bastard," said the genie.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

It's A Matter Of Perspective

I came home after playing a round of golf today.  There was a note on the fridge from my wife that said, “It's not working, gone to stay with my mother.  I can't take it any more.

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold.
  

What the hell is she talking about?

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Monday, July 20, 2015

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Friday, July 3, 2015

Wow! I'm On A Windfall Roll!

THOUGHT I’D LET YOU KNOW ABOUT MY SURPRISE WINDFALL...

I won a Nigerian lottery according to an email from a Nigerian prince.    

He holds the sum of ONE MILLION DOLLARS in my name and he wants to send it to me FREE!  

All I have to do is give  him my bank account number, and send him $500.00 US dollars  cash, to show my good faith, so he can transfer the  money!  

And then I got  ANOTHER email.  It's from a KENYAN prince who wants to give me FREE healthcare for life!  


All I have to do is give him MY  BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER, MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER MY CONFIDENTIAL HEALTH INFORMATION and pay $700 per month  for a policy with only a $10,000 deductible. Then he can make  it happen!  

Am I on a roll or  what!   

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Thursday, June 25, 2015

An answer to ' Why go to church?'

  • If you're spiritually alive, you're going to love this! 
  • If you're spiritually dead, you won't want to read it.
  • If you're spiritually curious, there is still hope!

A Church goer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday. 'I've gone for 30 years now,' he wrote, 'and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons, but for the life of me, I can't remember a single one of them. So, I think I'm wasting my time and the priests are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all.'
 
This started a real controversy in the 'Letters to the Editor' column. 

Much to the delight of the editor, it went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:
'I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But, for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals. But I do know this: They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!

When you are DOWN to nothing, God is UP to something!
Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible! 

Thank God for our physical and our spiritual nourishment!
 
All right, now that you're done reading, send it on ! I think everyone should read this ! 

When Satan is knocking at your door, simply say, 'Jesus, could you get that for me, while I forward this message to your children?'
 
IF YOU CANNOT SEE GOD IN ALL, 
YOU CANNOT SEE GOD AT ALL ! 

B. I. B. L. E. simply means: Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth! Did you know that......? 

  • When you carry "the Bible", Satan has a head ache.
  • When you open it, he collapses;
  • When he sees you reading it, he loses his strength, AND
  • When you stand on the Word of God, Satan can't hurt you!
  • When you are about to tell others, the devil will discourage you.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Monday, June 22, 2015

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Why Mayberry Was Such A Peaceful Place

It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet...nobody was married. 

Here are the single people that come to mind. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, the Darlin family, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara...in fact, the only one married was Otis Campbell and he stayed drunk all the time!

Friday, June 19, 2015

Condoms For Every Age Group


Handicapped Democrat

Today I had to go to the hardware store.
 
As I approached the entrance, I noticed a woman driver looking for a parking space.
 
I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open and available.
 
The woman looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, "I'm not handicapped!"
 
Well, as you can imagine, my face was red!
 
"Oh, I'm sorry," I said. "I saw your 'I'm Ready for Hillary' bumper sticker and just assumed that you suffered from some mental disorder."
 
She screamed some very nasty obscenities and names at me.
 
Boy! Some people don't appreciate it when you're just trying to help them out!

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Friday, June 5, 2015

TWO TERRORISTS

Two terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt. "If you do not mind me saying," said the second terrorists "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

"I regret I cannot," lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my butt." 

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said, "No shit?
"*

*Verified by Brian Williams, NBC News anchor, he was there when it happened.

Saturday, May 30, 2015

The Help Line...

"Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
Caller:  "Hi, Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.  I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.  The usual signs:  If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up.  She goes out with 'the girls' a lot.  I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat.  When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.  It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

Friday, May 29, 2015

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Monday, May 25, 2015

Sunday, May 24, 2015

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