Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Having Fun With Retirement!

Yesterday I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic release. Besides I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, I digress...enough of my psychological fixations.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?"
 
"No," I replied.

"Then why are you wearing that cap?" 

"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812." I thought this was a snappy retort.

"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"
God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936," I answered as straight-faced as possible.

He pondered my response for a moment and then responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"

"It was a Black Operation. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to be way too much fun!

"Dude! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."

"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"

"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."
The moron nodded knowingly.

"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."

"Oh yeah?" he gave me that, 'don't threaten me look.' "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"

With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped into the car and sped out of the parking lot in a flurry of dust.

What a great time I had! Tomorrow I'm going back with my Homeland Security cap.

Then the next day I will go to the licensing agency so I can wear a Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty out the place.

Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Santa Being Naughty!

Dear Santa,
Please send me a baby brother for Christmas.

 Santa wrote back:
 "Send me your mother..."

Friday, December 12, 2014

Eye Test For Men

If you saw the shark first, you may be gay!

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Saturday, November 29, 2014

I NEVER KNEW...DID YOU?

'A SHOT OF WHISKEY'
In the old west a .45 cartridge for a six-gun cost 12 cents, so did a glass of whiskey. If a cowhand was low on cash he would often give the bartender a cartridge in exchange for a drink. This became known as a "shot" of whiskey.

THE WHOLE NINE YARDS
American fighter planes in WW2 had machine guns that were fed by a belt of cartridges. The average plane held belts that were 27 feet (9 yards) long. If the pilot used up all his ammo he was said to have given it the whole nine yards.

BUYING THE FARM
This is synonymous with dying. During WW1 soldiers were given life insurance policies worth $5,000. This was about the price of an average farm so if you died you "bought the farm" for your survivors.

PASSING THE BUCK / THE BUCK STOPS HERE
Most men in the early west carried a jack knife made by the Buck knife company. When playing poker it was common to place one of these Buck knives in front of the dealer so that everyone knew who he was. When it was time for a new dealer the deck of cards and the knife were given to the new dealer. If this person didn't want to deal he would "pass the buck" to the next player. If that player accepted then "the buck stopped there".

RIFF RAFF
The Mississippi River was the main way of traveling from north to south. Riverboats carried passengers and freight but they were expensive so most people used rafts. Everything had the right of way over rafts which were considered cheap. The steering oar on the rafts was called a "riff" and this transposed into riff-raff, meaning low class.

COBWEB
The Old English word for "spider" was "cob".

SHIP STATE ROOMS
Traveling by steamboat was considered the height of comfort. Passenger cabins on the boats were not numbered. Instead they were named after states. To this day cabins on ships are called staterooms.

SLEEP TIGHT
Early beds were made with a wooden frame. Ropes were tied across the frame in a criss-cross pattern. A straw mattress was then put on top of the ropes. Over time the ropes stretched, causing the bed to sag. The owner would then tighten the ropes to get a better night's sleep.

SHOWBOAT
These were floating theaters built on a barge that was pushed by a steamboat. These played small town along the Mississippi River. Unlike the boat shown in the movie "Showboat" these did not have an engine. They were gaudy and attention grabbing which is why we say someone who is being the life of the party is "showboating".

OVER A BARREL
In the days before CPR a drowning victim would be placed face down over a barrel and the barrel would be rolled back and forth in a effort to empty the lungs of water. It was rarely effective. If you are over a barrel you are in deep trouble.

BARGE IN
Heavy freight was moved along the Mississippi in large barges pushed by steamboats. These were hard to control and would sometimes swing into piers or other boats. People would say they "barged in".

HOGWASH
Steamboats carried both people and animals. Since pigs smelled so bad they would be washed before being put on board. The mud and other filth that was washed off was considered useless "hog wash".

CURFEW
The word "curfew" comes from the French phrase "couvre-feu", which means "cover the fire". It was used to describe the time of blowing out all lamps and candles. It was later adopted into Middle English as "curfeu", which later became the modern "curfew". In the early American colonies homes had no real fireplaces so a fire was built in the center of the room. In order to make sure a fire did not get out of control during the night it was required that, by an agreed upon time, all fires would be covered with a clay pot called-a "curfew".
 
HOT OFF THE PRESS
As the paper goes through the rotary printing press friction causes it to heat up. Therefore, if you grab the paper right off the press it’s hot. The expression means to get immediate information.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Thanksgiving Rules For Grandma's House

Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation Dear Family, I'm not dead yet.  Thanksgiving is still important to me.

If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.  

Dinner is at 2:00, NOT 2:15, NOT 2:05.  Two 2:00.  Arrive late and you get what's left over.

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house.  This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot.  You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove.

Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different.  This year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things, then paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

1.  The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M.
The television stays off during the meal.
2.  The "no cans for kids" rule still exists.  We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two.  Parents can fill child's cup when it is empty.  All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up.  This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage.  Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4.  Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy.
That is a fact of life.  Your children can eat healthy at your home.
At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5.  I cook with bacon and bacon grease.  That's nothing new.
Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs.
Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it.  That's why it tastes so good.
Not eating bacon is just not natural.  And as far as being healthy, look at me.  I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.
6.  Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7.  I do not like cell phones.  Leave them in the car.
8.  I do not like video cameras.  There will be 32 people here.  I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
9.  Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids.  I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over.  Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.
10.  Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives.  I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too.  I can live with that.  Can you?
11.  Words mean things!  I say what I mean.  Let me repeat: You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything.
And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said.  Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.
12.  Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch.  That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.
13.  Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas.  Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.

In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer.  Drink until it is gone.  I prefer wine anyway.  But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.
I really mean all of the above.

Love You, Grandma

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Thursday, November 20, 2014

The American Shame We Are Allowing

CNN Warns, The National Anthem Is About To Be Played In Video Clip! Lets just all shake our heads together,shall we?
What the hell are we allowing to happen to our country?

Wake up people!  Are we not free Americans?

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

An Elderly Boast Can Get You In Trouble

Larry and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something, but after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so,  Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry!  Bob  was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.  Then he said, 'For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?'

Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Bob.  'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Larry said, 'you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

There Cannot Be A Nativity Scene At The Nations Captial

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States Capital this Christmas season. 

This isn't for any religious reason.  They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.  A search for a Virgin continues.  

There will be no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Monday, November 10, 2014

High-Tech Pick Up Line

An Air Force Buck Sergeant walks into a bar and takes a seat next to an attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, A state-of-the-art watch? 

"Whats so special about it?"

The chief says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "Whats it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The Old Chief smirks, taps his watch and says, "Darn things an hour fast."

...And that, my friends...is Confidence!

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Friday, November 7, 2014

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

One word " BUFFOON "

Regarding the deserter prisoner exchange, Obama recently spoke of three former Presidents. You may recall that a few weeks ago, President Obama spoke of three former Presidents making prisoner swaps at the end of wars that took place on their watch, "much like this swap" he said convincingly. 

CNSNews  carried this quote, This is what happens at the end of wars,President Barack Obama boasted Tuesday when he was asked about swapping American Army Sgt. Deserter for five vicious Taliban terrorists. "That was true for George Washington... That was true for Abraham Lincoln and that was true for FDR. That’s been true of every combat situation, that at some point, you make sure that you try to get your folks back... And that’s the right thing to do.”    Really? 

That statement blatantly demonstrates that the most powerful man in the World and two term President of the United States lacks even a grade school level of knowledge of American History; specifically, history as it relates to three of our most famous presidents and it demonstrates again that we have essentially elected a foreigner who has no understanding of the very country that he reigns supreme over. 

What's wrong with his statements? Let's keep it simple--

EVERYTHING is wrong!!!

George Washington did not become president until six years after the Revolutionary War ended in 1783.  By 1789 there were no longer any prisoners for him to exchange.

Abraham Lincoln was assassinated in mid April of 1865. The Civil War ended the following month. He was still dead at that time. No deals were made to exchange prisoners after the war. All prisoners were simply freed. 

FDR died of a stroke before the end of WWII.  Like Lincoln , he stayed dead after the war so he couldn't do what this jerk says he did. You'll recall that Harry S. Truman made the decision to drop two nuclear bombs on Japan , ending World War II.  He made no deals for prisoners. We went in and released them when necessary.

None of the Presidents that Obama noted were in office at the ends of those wars, making it impossible for them to make any sort of prisoner swaps, let alone the 5 for 1, plus unspecified cash, for a deserter and traitor by our "57 States" president.

It should be pointed out that countless deserters and traitors were shot or hung during all three of the aforementioned wars.

What amazes one even more than the ignorance of the President is that he has managed to surround himself with a staff that is just as clueless.  Including the American Media!!! 

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Six Undeniable Facts

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it. 

2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without any clothes.  

3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.  

4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.  

5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available. 

 6. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit… A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Monday, November 3, 2014

That Lucky Guy At "Her" Last Class Reunion

Husband goes with his wife to her high school reunion. 

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. 

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.  

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."  

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

Thanks Bennie!

Sunday, November 2, 2014

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS

There's an annual contest at Bond University, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
 
This year's chosen term was "political correctness".
 
The winning student  wrote:
 
"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of excrement by the clean end."

Monday, October 27, 2014

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