Sunday, January 25, 2015

Obama Care Vs. Veterinarian

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint.  Both have trouble walking and appear to require hip surgery.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then, pending the review board's decision on his age and remaining value to society. Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever taken to a vet.

The SECOND is a Senior Citizen on Obama care!

Since there has been no recent change in government, we'll all have to find a good vet.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Michael Moore Thinks Snipers Are Cowards!

Obviously, he has never tasted war!

Friday, January 23, 2015

Friday, January 16, 2015

A TOUCHING STORY...

A small boy named Dougie was born in a town in the southwest.  None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy, Dougie!!!!!"

One day Dougie's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly that her son was simply an idiot, getting very low marks and that even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!  The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school and even moved to another town.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with a rare cardiac problem.  All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform.  Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation and it was successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery, she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.  She wanted to thank him but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her head trying to tell him something but died. 

The doctor was shocked and trying to fathom what went wrong when he turned around and saw that our hero, Dougie, who was working there as a janitor, had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his vacuum.


…don't tell me you thought that Dougie became a fricking doctor.  Seriously?

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Flying By Instinct!

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft.
 
A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees. 

"Mayday, mayday!!  The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".

He began his series of questions.

Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me".

Tower: "Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are travel ling at 180 mph??" 


Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 feet on the dials in front of me!"

Tower: "Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down??" 

Aircraft: "Because the crap in my drawers is sliding out of my collar."

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Should Women Train To Go Into Combat?

I guess I will be labeled a sexist but I have said for years this was going to get people killed. If a woman can pass the same tests a man does...without any adjustment for her sex-then fine send her into combat.  As I recall throwing a grenade further than the blast radius was one of the easier things we had to do.

-- 

Grenade Throwing 101... 

A hand grenade can go off in 4-5 seconds. 

Ever hear the saying "throws like a girl?” 

In the (new) Marine Corps (women in combat), this is what it looks like...

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

SOME REAL GOOD THOUGHTS TO CARRY OVER INTO 2015

NINE IMPORTANT THINGS TO REMEMBER AS WE GROW OLDER:

Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
 
Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.
 
Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
 
Number 6 - Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
 
Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
 
Number 4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
 
Number 3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
 
Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
 
Number 1 - Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

Monday, January 12, 2015

The Umbrella Trick

There were protesters at the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.

There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.  The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said: "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam and a grandson in Afghanistan.  All four died so a bitch like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country.  If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."

Saturday, January 10, 2015

How to save money on home security!

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center. 

The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.
 
I've never felt safer and I’m saving $49.95 a month!

Thursday, January 8, 2015

President Obama Rated #5 In Best Presidents...sort of!

He's #5!! (well sort of )

Texas A&M Study Calls Obama 5th Best President in America. 

From a total of 44 US Presidents, Obama has been rated as the 5th best according to a study completed at Texas A&M University. The Public Relations Office at A&M released the following statement: 

"After only 5 years in office, Americans have rated President Obama the 5th best President in U.S. history.

These are the results according to Texas A&M:
1. Reagan and Lincoln tied for first.
2. Seventeen presidents tied for second.
3. Twenty-three other presidents tied for third.
4. Jimmy Carter came in fourth, and...
5. Obama was fifth.

Great research work by a fine institution!

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Monday, January 5, 2015

The Lion Hunt

A game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One morning, while deep in the forest, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother... The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. 
 
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a big rock, and a large lion stood right in front of her. 
 
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?
 
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

Thursday, January 1, 2015

0 to 180 in 4 seconds!

"You never surprise me," a woman moaned one day to her long-suffering husband.
 
"Buy me a surprise for my birthday.  Something that can accelerate from 0 to 180 in under 4 seconds, and I'd prefer a blue one," she hinted.
 
Happy and excited she was counting down the days to her birthday.
 
Finally she got the beautiful present her husband had thoughtfully chosen for her.
 
He's dead now, but he died a legend.

Monday, December 29, 2014

Sunday, December 28, 2014

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Friday, December 26, 2014

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

The Prostate Exam

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "Where should I put my pants?"

"Over  there by mine," was not the answer I was expecting!

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Having Fun With Retirement!

Yesterday I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic release. Besides I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, I digress...enough of my psychological fixations.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?"
 
"No," I replied.

"Then why are you wearing that cap?" 

"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812." I thought this was a snappy retort.

"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"
God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936," I answered as straight-faced as possible.

He pondered my response for a moment and then responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"

"It was a Black Operation. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to be way too much fun!

"Dude! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."

"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"

"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."
The moron nodded knowingly.

"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."

"Oh yeah?" he gave me that, 'don't threaten me look.' "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"

With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped into the car and sped out of the parking lot in a flurry of dust.

What a great time I had! Tomorrow I'm going back with my Homeland Security cap.

Then the next day I will go to the licensing agency so I can wear a Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty out the place.

Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Santa Being Naughty!

Dear Santa,
Please send me a baby brother for Christmas.

 Santa wrote back:
 "Send me your mother..."

Friday, December 12, 2014

Eye Test For Men

If you saw the shark first, you may be gay!

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

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