Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Thanksgiving Rules For Grandma's House

Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation Dear Family, I'm not dead yet.  Thanksgiving is still important to me.

If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.  

Dinner is at 2:00, NOT 2:15, NOT 2:05.  Two 2:00.  Arrive late and you get what's left over.

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house.  This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot.  You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove.

Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different.  This year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things, then paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

1.  The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M.
The television stays off during the meal.
2.  The "no cans for kids" rule still exists.  We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two.  Parents can fill child's cup when it is empty.  All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up.  This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage.  Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4.  Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy.
That is a fact of life.  Your children can eat healthy at your home.
At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5.  I cook with bacon and bacon grease.  That's nothing new.
Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs.
Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it.  That's why it tastes so good.
Not eating bacon is just not natural.  And as far as being healthy, look at me.  I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.
6.  Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7.  I do not like cell phones.  Leave them in the car.
8.  I do not like video cameras.  There will be 32 people here.  I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
9.  Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids.  I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over.  Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.
10.  Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives.  I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too.  I can live with that.  Can you?
11.  Words mean things!  I say what I mean.  Let me repeat: You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything.
And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said.  Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.
12.  Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch.  That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.
13.  Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas.  Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.

In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer.  Drink until it is gone.  I prefer wine anyway.  But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.
I really mean all of the above.

Love You, Grandma

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Thursday, November 20, 2014

The American Shame We Are Allowing

CNN Warns, The National Anthem Is About To Be Played In Video Clip! Lets just all shake our heads together,shall we?
What the hell are we allowing to happen to our country?

Wake up people!  Are we not free Americans?

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

An Elderly Boast Can Get You In Trouble

Larry and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something, but after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so,  Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry!  Bob  was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.  Then he said, 'For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?'

Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Bob.  'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Larry said, 'you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

There Cannot Be A Nativity Scene At The Nations Captial

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States Capital this Christmas season. 

This isn't for any religious reason.  They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.  A search for a Virgin continues.  

There will be no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Monday, November 10, 2014

High-Tech Pick Up Line

An Air Force Buck Sergeant walks into a bar and takes a seat next to an attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, A state-of-the-art watch? 

"Whats so special about it?"

The chief says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "Whats it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The Old Chief smirks, taps his watch and says, "Darn things an hour fast."

...And that, my friends...is Confidence!

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Friday, November 7, 2014

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

One word " BUFFOON "

Regarding the deserter prisoner exchange, Obama recently spoke of three former Presidents. You may recall that a few weeks ago, President Obama spoke of three former Presidents making prisoner swaps at the end of wars that took place on their watch, "much like this swap" he said convincingly. 

CNSNews  carried this quote, This is what happens at the end of wars,President Barack Obama boasted Tuesday when he was asked about swapping American Army Sgt. Deserter for five vicious Taliban terrorists. "That was true for George Washington... That was true for Abraham Lincoln and that was true for FDR. That’s been true of every combat situation, that at some point, you make sure that you try to get your folks back... And that’s the right thing to do.”    Really? 

That statement blatantly demonstrates that the most powerful man in the World and two term President of the United States lacks even a grade school level of knowledge of American History; specifically, history as it relates to three of our most famous presidents and it demonstrates again that we have essentially elected a foreigner who has no understanding of the very country that he reigns supreme over. 

What's wrong with his statements? Let's keep it simple--

EVERYTHING is wrong!!!

George Washington did not become president until six years after the Revolutionary War ended in 1783.  By 1789 there were no longer any prisoners for him to exchange.

Abraham Lincoln was assassinated in mid April of 1865. The Civil War ended the following month. He was still dead at that time. No deals were made to exchange prisoners after the war. All prisoners were simply freed. 

FDR died of a stroke before the end of WWII.  Like Lincoln , he stayed dead after the war so he couldn't do what this jerk says he did. You'll recall that Harry S. Truman made the decision to drop two nuclear bombs on Japan , ending World War II.  He made no deals for prisoners. We went in and released them when necessary.

None of the Presidents that Obama noted were in office at the ends of those wars, making it impossible for them to make any sort of prisoner swaps, let alone the 5 for 1, plus unspecified cash, for a deserter and traitor by our "57 States" president.

It should be pointed out that countless deserters and traitors were shot or hung during all three of the aforementioned wars.

What amazes one even more than the ignorance of the President is that he has managed to surround himself with a staff that is just as clueless.  Including the American Media!!! 

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Six Undeniable Facts

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it. 

2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without any clothes.  

3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.  

4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.  

5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available. 

 6. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit… A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Monday, November 3, 2014

That Lucky Guy At "Her" Last Class Reunion

Husband goes with his wife to her high school reunion. 

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. 

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.  

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."  

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

Thanks Bennie!

Sunday, November 2, 2014

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS

There's an annual contest at Bond University, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
 
This year's chosen term was "political correctness".
 
The winning student  wrote:
 
"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of excrement by the clean end."

Monday, October 27, 2014

Friday, October 24, 2014

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Talk about f-----g' Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder*! 

I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her. 

Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head, so I shot her.

*(PTSD isn't funny, but we do need to take care of our returning troops.)

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Monday, October 20, 2014

The Will...

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.  His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
·  My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
·  My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
·  My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
·  "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river." 

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
 
Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the asshole had a paper route!"

Monday, October 13, 2014

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Investment Opportunity - Act Immediately!

Thought you might want to consider getting on board early.

A German Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.  He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

A Delicate Corporate Matter

All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table.

He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked, “Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?

Oh, no sir, positively not!” Bob replied.

Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.

Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!

You’d swear to that?

Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere.

Good, then you fire her!!!
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