Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Monday, October 20, 2014

The Will...

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.  His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
·  My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
·  My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
·  My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
·  "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river." 

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the asshole had a paper route!"

Monday, October 13, 2014

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Investment Opportunity - Act Immediately!

Thought you might want to consider getting on board early.

A German Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.  He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

A Delicate Corporate Matter

All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table.

He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked, “Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?

Oh, no sir, positively not!” Bob replied.

Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.

Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!

You’d swear to that?

Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere.

Good, then you fire her!!!

Monday, September 22, 2014

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Friday, September 12, 2014

A Great Archaeological Discovery

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3000 years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society, who also happened to be a Greens Senator, pointed to first drawing and said:
"This is a woman.  We can see these people held women in high esteem.  You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.  The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
"Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea.  The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,

"Idiots...Hebrew is read from right to left... It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!'”

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

The Sportsman Double

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? "What's that?" I asked. 
"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said. 
As my mind began to embrace the idea and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, "No, I haven't.
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink "Tonight's your lucky night". 
We went back to her place and walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs "Mom ... you still awake?"

Monday, September 8, 2014

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Friday, September 5, 2014

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Monday, August 25, 2014

How To Make A Man Work

An Italian doctor says: "In Italy, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."

The Dutch doctor says: "That's nothing, in Holland we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Canadian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another man's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us.  Six years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him President.  Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Friday, August 22, 2014

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Wise Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. 
He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you  lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will  always remember me.
"But Grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch  instead?
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife,  lotsa money, a big-a home, and maybe a couple of bambinos. "Somma day you  gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.  Whatta you  gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times  up!'?"
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