Monday, September 22, 2014

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Friday, September 12, 2014

A Great Archaeological Discovery

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3000 years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society, who also happened to be a Greens Senator, pointed to first drawing and said:
"This is a woman.  We can see these people held women in high esteem.  You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.  The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
 
"Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea.  The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,

"Idiots...Hebrew is read from right to left... It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!'”

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

The Sportsman Double

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? "What's that?" I asked. 
 
"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said. 
 
As my mind began to embrace the idea and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, "No, I haven't.
 
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink "Tonight's your lucky night". 
 
We went back to her place and walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs "Mom ... you still awake?"

Monday, September 8, 2014

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Friday, September 5, 2014

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Monday, August 25, 2014

How To Make A Man Work

An Italian doctor says: "In Italy, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."

The Dutch doctor says: "That's nothing, in Holland we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Canadian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another man's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us.  Six years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him President.  Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Friday, August 22, 2014

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Wise Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. 
 
He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you  lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will  always remember me.
 
"But Grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch  instead?
 
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife,  lotsa money, a big-a home, and maybe a couple of bambinos. "Somma day you  gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.  Whatta you  gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times  up!'?"

Monday, August 18, 2014

An Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.  The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.  Half an hour later, a Ferrari sports car stops in front of their house.  A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.  I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life...

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?
'


At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.

'You gonna try again.'

Friday, August 15, 2014

Take It Easy On Obama

Hamas is attacking.  Israel is defending.  Russia is invading.  The Middle East is smoldering.  Boko Haram is massacring.  ISIS is marching.  Iran and N Korea are threatening.  American cities are crumbling. Our southern border is dissolving.  Our debt is skyrocketing.  Obamacare is falling apart.  The VA is showing us how Obamacare will wind up. The IRS is violating the law.  Americans are hurting.  Our enemies are laughing.

Obama is fundraising.
Please take it easy on Obama, its his first job!

Saturday, August 2, 2014

'51 Red Chevy Alert!

The United States Border Patrol is asking citizens to keep on the lookout for a red 1951 Chevy that they suspect is being used to smuggle illegal immigrants across the border from Mexico into points along the U.S. border. 
If you see the vehicle pictured above, and have reason to believe that it is the suspect vehicle, you are urged to contact your local Police Department or the U.S. Border Patrol.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Illegal Alien Survey Just In

Q: Are there too many illegal aliens in the United States?

Yes: 28%

No: 11%

No Comprende: 61%

Friday, July 18, 2014

Get A World Cup Refund!

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup, the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who traveled to Brazil.
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

The Jewish Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears.  The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.

He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues; but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank.  In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm.  He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards  away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw  another at a passing car going 90  mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said  to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.  And the  Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says.  "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads.  "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts.  "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us.  The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"  The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,...

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!!!"

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Bridge Out!

Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.  One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:

DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!

As a car sped past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge Out?'"
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