THE LIE DECTOR

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year old son, returned home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late..

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him com-pletely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

TRAIN/SUBWAY SAFETY

How to safely hold on while the train is in motion...

I was referring to the old gentleman...you dirty old man!

THE FEMALE UROLOGIST

As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists. And in my case, a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just out of medical school female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."

Gennaro's Leather Shoes

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'

Gennaro answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?'

He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.'

Gennaro gasps, ‘Thanka God...I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!'

IN BEER NEWS…

This is damn serious stuff...beer contains female hormones!

Last month MSU scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens);

Therefore, by drinking enough beer, men can turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 pints of beer within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the tests subjects:

1. Argued over nothing.
2. Refused to apologize when obliviously wrong.
3. Gained weight.
4. Talked excessively without making sense.
5. Became overly emotional.
6. Couldn't drive.
7. Failed to think rationally.
8. Had to sit down to urinate.

WHAT SOUND DOES A PIG MAKE?

A teacher in a Detroit, Michigan elementary school asked her students if they could tell the class what sound a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and said: "Up against the wall mother fucker!"

I guess there's not too many farms in Detroit...

LONG MAY IT WAVE!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY UHMERIKA!

Earl Pitts - a true Uhmerikun, wishes you all a Happy 4th of July!

THE HOOKER AND THE TAXI DRIVER

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.

Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." she said.

The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver and the fare back to town is $25."

MICHAEL JACKSON TO BE MELTED DOWN...

Due to the fact that Michael Jackson is 99% plastic, he will be melted down into lego blocks so little kids can play with him for a change!

MEMORY LOSS EFFECTS EVERYONE

THE EXERCISE RECLINER

PLAY ME SOME MICHAEL JACKSON

I bought a car last week that has everything imaginable on it…even plays music for you when you tell it what kind to play. I was going down the highway and I said, “Rock...and it started playing some Rolling Stones!”

A little further down the road it said, “Blues…and it started playing some B. B. King!”

Later I got to wanting to hear some country, so I yelled, “Country, and Toby Keith started up!”

After I got into town, I pulled up to a red light and rolled my window down. Just then a car full of teenagers pulled along side me with Rap playing loudly, so I rolled my window back up and said, “Fuckin’ kids…and Michael Jackson started playing!”

MICHAEL JACKSON'S BEST ROCK'N ROLL SONG

I've been listening to tributes to Michael Jackson all week, and have yet to hear my favorite song played...to me his best ever.

Who played the lead guitar? The guitar solo in Michael Jackson's Dirty Diana was by Steve Stevens, Billy Idol's guitar player.

WONDERING WHO YOUR DAUGHTER IS TEXTING?

You might not want to know!

NEVER AGAIN!

DON'T JUMP ON THE TRAMPOLINE!

A fellow could get hurt using that thing!

BEING DRAWN TO FOOD?

SLOW DOWN YOU OL' GEEZER!

YOUR EXERCISING SCHEDULE

SIDE EFFECTS OF THE SWINE FLU

FOR FATHER'S DAY

"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer, Amen."

Parallel Lives

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.

One complained to the other, "Boy, business stinks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my ass."

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.

Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I can relate; if I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my car."

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

You declined to pay $1400 to get your car's air-conditioning fixed, and decided you could fix it yourself!

NEVER TAKE CANDY FROM A STRANGER!

REMEMBER WHEN YOUR MOTHER TOLD YOU NEVER TO TAKE CANDY FROM A STRANGER...

...THIS IS THE ONE

SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT!

WHEN A SOLDIER COMES HOME

When a soldier comes home, he finds it hard....

…to listen to his son whine about being bored.

...to keep a straight face when people complain about potholes.

…to be tolerant of people who complain about the hassle of getting ready for work.

...to be understanding when a co-worker complains about a bad night's sleep.

...to be silent when people pray to God for a new car.

...to control his panic when his wife tells him he needs to drive slower.

...to be compassionate when a businessman expresses a fear of flying.

...to keep from laughing when anxious parents say they're afraid to send their kids off to summer camp.

...to keep from ridiculing someone who complains about hot weather.

...to control his frustration when a colleague gripes about his coffee being cold.

...to remain calm when his daughter complains about having to walk the dog.

...to be civil to people who complain about their jobs.

...to just walk away when someone says they only get two weeks of vacation a year.

...to be forgiving when someone says how hard it is to have a new baby in the house.

The only thing harder than being a Soldier…Is loving one!

THE MIDGET AND THE PICK POCKET

I was reading in the paper today about this midget that got pick pocketed.

I mean really, how could anyone stoop so low?

THE GAVEYARD ENCOUNTER

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a man hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."

He replied, "No, just taking a shit."

PLAYING DOCTOR

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctor with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother angrily . "He took out her liver!"

THE CUSTODY FIGHT

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.

I took her out with one punch.