Friday, April 11, 2014

WHAT WOMEN REALLY HEAR!

Husband’s  Message (by cellphone):    
 
Honey, a car has hit me while I was out of the office. Paula  brought me to the Hospital.
 
 
They have been running tests and taking X-rays , but I think it’s bad.  
 
The blow to my head was very strong. Fortunately it seems that it may not have caused too much serious damage, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture of the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.  
   
Wife’s Response:    
 
Who is Paula?

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Monday, April 7, 2014

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Friday, April 4, 2014

Thursday, April 3, 2014

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving.

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!  Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?

We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon?

Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

With that, Luis staggers towards the tree.

He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.

Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:

"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it?"

"Pepe ees not a bacon tree.  Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees... a ham bush."

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Locating A Lost Wife

A husband went to police station to file a report on his missing wife:

Husband : I lost my wife (misty),she went for shopping not not returned home yet.

Inspector : What is her height ?

Husband : I never noticed.

Inspector : Colour of eyes ?

Husband : Never noticed.
Inspector : Colour of hair ?

Husband : Changes according to season.

Inspector : What was she wearing?

Husband : Sari/suit/ I don’t remember exactly.

Inspector : Was she driving a car???

Husband : Yes.

Inspector : Can you describe the car for me?

Husband : Black Audi A8 with super charged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tip tronic automatic transmission with manual mode.  And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.….and then the husband started crying...
-
-
-
-
Inspector:  Don't worry sir, we will find your car.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Little Johnny On The Powerball!

Kids are not what they used to be!

Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna hit the powerball and be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore on the planet, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, and bang her three times a day in the most exotic places on earth."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson...
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Johnny's whore."

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Putin Sees Obama As Dickhead!

...And, he has proof!

Friday, March 28, 2014

Thursday, March 27, 2014

LET'S PLAY "WHO AM I"

One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.

As he  approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.  His wonder was cut short by Dave, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Dave, looks like  you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented.

Dave, in obvious  pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I  have felt like moving since 4:00 oclock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a  bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'

The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Dave responded, 'Your name came up 7 times.'

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

SOME BLOND JOKES

 Some Blondes Went To Disneyland
Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home. 
 FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' 

The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor.'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

CHECK OUT MY OTHER WEBSITE!

The Double Standard

These two short sentences tell you a lot about our government and our culture:

1.    We are advised to not judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL Gun Owners by the actions of a few lunatics.  Funny how that works.
 
And here’s another one worth considering.
 
2.    Seems we constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of money. How come we never hear about Welfare running out of money?  What's interesting is the first group "worked for" their money, but the second didn't.

Profound isn't it...Think about it.....Pass it on.
 

Monday, March 24, 2014

A THING OF BEAUTY, BUT USELESS IN A FIGHT!

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. 

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp 
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. 
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. 
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you. He must havehad something in his hand." 
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." 
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" 
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Father O'Malley And The Donkey

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. 

He then noticed there was . . . a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . 


Father O'Malley then replied:

"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify
the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.

Friday, March 21, 2014

HOW TO AVOID A TSA PAT-DOWN!

How to predict a TSA pat down...
 Be less conspicuous!

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Remembering The 37th Anniversary Of Ronnie Van Zant's Death

Ronald Wayne "Ronnie" Van Zant (January 15, 1948 – October 20, 1977) was an American lead vocalist, primary lyricist, and a founding member of the Southern rock band Lynyrd Skynyrd.  He was the older brother of the founder and vocalist of 38 Special, Donnie Van Zant, and of current Lynyrd Skynyrd lead vocalist Johnny Van Zant.

On October 20, 1977, a Convair CV-300 carrying the band between shows from Greenville, South Carolina, to Baton Rouge, Louisiana, crashed outside Gillsburg, Mississippi. The passengers had been informed about problems with one of the plane's engines and told to brace for impact.  Van Zant died in the crash on impact, after the aircraft struck a tree. Bandmates Steve Gaines, Cassie Gaines, assistant road manager Dean Kilpatrick, pilot Walter McCreary, and co-pilot William Gray were also killed.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Chainsaw Safety

I know, I saw it right away too...No safety glasses or hearing protection!

And I caught something else that is really important: he has no gloves on.

I might be up in age but I am still sharp as a tack.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Saturday, March 8, 2014

RUSSIAN OCCUPATIION?

A Russian arrives at the airport in some country.   
 
Immigration officer says, "Occupation?"   
 
Russian responds, "No, just visiting."

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

An Aeronautical Quiz For You

They say it is common sense but here is a clue: Just remember that a helicopter's blade (in cross-section) is shaped like an airplane's wing, and both catch air giving lift.


Now answer the question...

This should be an easy quiz for those who have even a modicum of knowledge about aircraft. However, the answer may surprise you.

The Question:

"What is the primary advantage of rotary winged aircraft


 Scroll down for the answer...



 
Thanks to my buddy Mickey, for this one!

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Top Ten Country Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her to A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

Saturday, March 1, 2014

I No Rike Jews!

A Southwest flight departs San Antonio for Los Angles with a Jewish pilot and a Chinese co-pilot.

It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the Auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese.....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, ........all same.'
Related Posts with Thumbnails