Guess Which One Is A Convicted Felon!

WILD TURKEY AND COCA-COLA DON'T MIX!

I would bet that driver actually went somewhere

and had a Wild Turkey straight after this happened!

SHOW ME YOUR BOOBS!

CHECK THE LABEL BEFORE YOU BUY!

Shirts, panties, food, toys, cars; all have labels to tell you what's good and what's bad.  

So, it was only inevitable that people would start labeling themselves in the same manner!  Always check the label before you "buy" any product!

That's going to be hard to explain to her parents!

More Things To Ponder In 2012

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions:

Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,

teach a person to use the internet

and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ..

Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile

when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,

lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.

It pays no attention to Criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00

and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.

Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2012 :

We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration?

Artificial Sex

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field Daisy says to Bill the bull, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 

'I don't believe you,' says Bill. 

'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

Mahatma Gandhi Facts

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. 

This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good.) A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

What He Said Just Before Being Hit!

NEW MEANING TO "GOT THE DROP ON'EM"!

SNOWED OUT!

Am really concerned a bout my aged aunt and uncle in Michigan... I just got off the phone with my uncle who is up north right now at his cottage He said that the snow is nearly waist high.

 

The temperature is at minus 10 degrees and, like the snow is still dropping... The wind is increasing to near gale force.

 

Even the plows are having a hard time getting around, some trees are down too. The roads are closed, and alerts are on all the TV and radio stations urging people to stay off the highway. 

 

He said my aunt has done nothing but look through the kitchen window for hours on end, just staring. He says he's concerned that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Here Are Our American Presidents In Uniform

MORE WAL-MART FASHION STATEMENTS!

 Is this a fashion statement or is he trying to smuggle out two bowling balls!?

Yeah, I'd say he gets lots of offers!

Well, all I can say is that I almost threw up when I saw this.  Surely to God people are that disrespectful to others.  Wear some pants stupid!

Moses Gets Tablets Upgraded

When America woke up the day after Steve died, it suddenly realized that 10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope!

Today we have no Jobs, no Cash, and no Hope!

DO YOU HAVE PLANS TONIGHT?

This is my neighbor:

She's single...She lives right across the street.  I  can see her house from my family room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.  I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.  She knocked on my door...I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says, “I just got home, and I am so horny!  I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!  Are you busy tonight?”

I immediately replied, “Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!”

Then she said, “Good!  In that case, could you watch my dog?"

MAN...  IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!

A QUICK QUIZ ABOUT OUR NATION'S LEADERS

This is a fun quiz. Listed below are 10 direct quotes. You have to guess which American politician said it. Your four choices are:

· Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin
· Former VP Dan Quayle
· President Barack Obama
· Former President George W. Bush

Ready? Here we go!

1) "Let me be absolutely clear. Israel is a strong friend of Israel's."

A. Barack Obama
B. Dan Quayle
C. Sarah Palin
D. George W. Bush

2) "I've now been in 57 states I think one left to go."

A. Barack Obama
B. Dan Quayle
C. Sarah Palin
D. George W. Bush

3) "On this Memorial Day, as our nation honors its unbroken line of fallen heroes, and I see many of them in the audience here today."

A. Barack Obama
B. Dan Quayle
C. Sarah Palin
D. George W. Bush

4) "What they'll say is, 'Well it costs too much money,' but you know what? It would cost, about. It it it would cost about the same as what we would spend. Over the course of 10 years it would cost what it would costs us. (nervous laugh) All right. Okay. We're going to. It would cost us about the same as it would cost for about hold on one second. I can't hear myself. But I'm glad you're fired up, though. I'm glad."

A. Barack Obama
B. Dan Quayle
C. Sarah Palin
D. George W. Bush

5) "The reforms we seek would bring greater com petition, choice, savings and inefficiencies to our health care system."

A. Barack Obama
B. Dan Quayle
C. Sarah Palin
D. George W. Bush

6) "I bowled a 129. It's like - it was like the Special Olympics, or something."

A. Barack Obama

B. Dan Quayle
C. Sarah Palin
D. George W. Bush

7) "Of the many responsibilities granted to a president by our Constitution, few are more serious or more consequential than selecting a Supreme Court justice. The members of our highest court are granted life tenure, often serving long after the presidents who appointed them. And they are charged with the vital task of applying principles put to paper more than 20 centuries ago to some of the most difficult questions of our time."

A. Barack Obama
B. Dan Quayle
C. Sarah Palin
D. George W. Bush

8) "Everybody knows that it makes no sense that you send a kid to the emergency room for a treatable illness like asthma, they end up taking up a hospital bed, it costs, when, if you, they just gave, you gave them treatment early and they got some treatment, and a, breathalyzer, or inhalator, not a breathalyzer. I haven't had much sleep in the last 48 hours."

A. Barack Obama
B. Dan Quayle
C. Sarah Palin
D. George W. Bush

9) "It was interesting to see that political interaction in Europe is not that different from the United States Senate. There's a lot of I don't know what the term is in Austrian, wheeling and dealing."

A. Barack Obama
B. Dan Quayle
C. Sarah Palin
D. George W. Bush

10) "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

A. Barack Obama
B. Dan Quayle
C. Sarah Palin
D. George W. Bush

Sorry. This was a trick quiz. All of the correct answers are the same person. Each of these quotes are directly from President Barack Obama.

And now you know why he brings his teleprompter with him everywhere he goes ...even when talking to a 6th grade class. And some members of the media continue to insist he is "The smartest man ever elected to the Presidency".

Yeah Right!

THE ALABAMA BASS BOAT

A good old Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."

He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand .

He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin'. What does it look like I'm a doin'?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Alabama a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!"

The Highest Human Position In The World

Do you know who holds the highest position in the world?

President Barack Obama? Nope.

Pope Benedict? Nope.

The Dalai Lama? Nope.

Do you want to see WHO that person is ?

Until Now....

Babu Sassi, a fearless young man from southern India, is the cult hero of Dubai 's army of construction workers.

Known as the "Indian on top of the world", Babu is the crane operator at the world's tallest building, the 819-meter (2686 feet) Burj Dubai.

His office, the cramped crane cab perched on top of the Burj, is also his home.

It takes too long to come down to the ground each day to make it worthwhile - although, when the building is completed, its elevators will be the world's fastest.

Stories about his daily brush with death are discussed in revered terms by Dubai 's workers.

Some say he has been up there for more than a year, others whisper that he's paid 30,000 dirhams ($8,168) a month compared with the average wage of 800 dirhams a month.

But everyone agrees, he's worth it - because nobody else would have the courage to do the job!

ARE YOU READY TO BE VIOLATED?!

FOR ALL OF U THAT THINK IS NICE TO WALK WITH UR PANTS BELOW UR BUTT, READ THE FOLLOWING EXPLANATION: 

THIS TREND WAS BORN IN THE UNITED STATES’ JAILS, WHERE PRISONERS WHO WERE WILLING TO HAVE SEX WITH OTHER PRISONERS NEEDED TO INVENT A SIGNAL THAT WOULD GO UNNOTICED BY THE GUARDS SO THEY WOULDN’T SUFFER CONSEQUENCES, SO BY PARTIALLY SHOWING THEIR BUTTS, THEY SHOWED THAT THEY WERE AVAILABLE TO BE PENETRATED BY OTHER INMATES.

THE ONE MINUTE SERMON

What It Takes To Make A Super Model

WORLD LEADERS WITH NO EXPERIENCE!

I am really concerned about North Korea 's appointment of the "dear leader", Kim Jung Ill's youngest son to be the new leader of North Korea-- a nuclear power!

After all, Kim Jung Un (pronounced Kim's young-un?) had NO military experience whatsoever before daddy made him a four-star general in the military. This is a snot-nose twerp who has never accomplished anything in his life that that would even come close to military leadership: he hasn't even so much as led a cub scout troop, let alone coached a sports team or commanded a military platoon. So, setting that aside, next they make him the "beloved leader" of the country. Terrific!!!

Oh, crap! I'm sorry. I just remembered that we did the same thing here. We took a community organizer who has never worn a uniform and made him Commander-in-Chief; a guy who has never led anything more than an ACORN demonstration and made him the leader of this country. Never mind.

Where The Hell Are You?!

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon.

Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".  The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewelery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"

 

Wife, with a smile, blushing, "Yes I remember that, my love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop."

MARINE LOGIC

GOD SUBCONTRACTS HIS VENGEANCE!

HOW TO LOAD A MOOSE AFTER THE KILL!

IS THE ENDING IN 2012?

GUNS KEEP US FREE!

WHAT IF YOU COULD SIT WITH GORILLAS?

FOR ALL MY GORILLA TROOP BUDDIES...

CLICK HERE to see how you can help save the gorillas!

SHIPWRECKED LAWYERS

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island or several months.

The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.

Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes.There is a woman out there floating in our direction." 

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time...So...Do you think we should...well...You know ... Screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other lawyer.

I Lost My Virginity...