Intimate Texting

A wife, feeling romantic, sent her husband a text:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."

The husband replied,

"Am sitting on the toilet. Please advise."

Should children witness childbirth?

Good question.

 

Here's your answer.

 

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr. old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could See while he helped deliver the baby...

 

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed And pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

 

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

 

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr.-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed...

 

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his butt again!'

 

If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.

Will Criminals Obey Gun Laws?

What Is A Liberal?

WHO MOWS YOUR YARD?!

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MALE AND FEMALE LOGIC

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes  

 

Woman: How many beers a day? 

 

Man: Usually about 3  

 

Woman:  How much do you pay per beer? 

 

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip  (This is where it gets scary !) 

 

Woman:  And how long have you been drinking?  

 

Man:  About 20 years, I suppose.

 

Woman:  So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

 

Man:  Correct

 

Woman:  If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?  

 

Man:  Correct  

 

Woman:  Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? 

 

Man:  Do you drink beer?  

 

Woman:  No  

 

Man:  Where’s your Ferrari? Bitch!

THE OLD SILVERBACK IS HAVING A SALE!

As most of you know, I have been maintaining a large number of photographic art pieces online since October of 2011.  I greatly enjoy photography, and often surprise myself! 

I am currently offering a 25% discount on all my photographic art “mark ups” through July 31, 2013. 

Click on this link, http://paul-mashburn.artistwebsites.com/, or click below, peruse my galleries for the perfect art for your home or office, and enter the Discount Code: DMKPMV at check out!

I hope you fine something you like!

Mushy

Ever Have One Of Those Days?

An Awesome Texas Titty Bar

To All The Young Beautiful Female Doctors Out There...Beware!

Best joke in a while...from Suldog, a long time friend, and avid blogger:

I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young, female, and drop dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I'm a professional – I've seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out."

I said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny!”

AGE IN RELATION TO ATTITUDE

This is a deceptively simple philosophy that I have been working on, and refining, for most of my life. I am delighted to say that, finally, I have refined it down to its essence sufficiently to share it with a select band of friends who may appreciate its elegance and simplicity.

HD PORN SHOWS SO MUCH MORE!

THE PROBLEM WITH JEFF GORDON

A SMALL MEDICAL MISDIAGNOSIS

Dear Sir:

The results from the lab work confirm that the red ring around your penis was not cancer.

It was lipstick.

We apologize for the amputation.

What The Constitution Is For

What To Do If Your Child Is In Danger

The Blond's Tattoo

The Blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh. Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.

She responds 'It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean...'

The Trouble With Voice Recognition

Never Fart In A Smart Car!

Robots Are Taking Our Jobs!

Love Is For Idiots!

The Beauty of a Joint Account

The Best Thing About My Job

WHAT GOOD IS ANOTHER LAW?

A person steals guns (which is against the law), shoots and kill his own mother (which is against the law), then transports the guns, loaded (which is against the law), and brings them on school property (which is against the law). He breaks into a school (which is against the law). Discharges the weapons within city limits (which is against the law) murdering 26 people (which is against the law) and commits suicide (which is against the law).

Government solution...............pass another law!

NOTICE TO HOME INVADERS

Will North Korea Destroy America?

The Accountant and the Prositute

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.   The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions. "He gets her name, address, Social Security number, etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?" 

 

"I'm a Lady of the night," she says. 

 

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that." 

 

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".  

 

"No, that still won't work. Try again." 

 

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." 

 

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?" 

 

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."  

 

"Chicken Farmer it is."

DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TITLE?

Someone recently asked me, “What is your new job since you’ve retired?” 

I replied, “I am my wife's Sexual Adviser.”

Somewhat shocked, they said “I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?”

“Very simple”, I replied. “The wife has told me that, when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask me for it.”

LIBERALISM IN A PEANUT NUTSHELL!

Aston Martin Used Car Ad