Thursday, December 12, 2013
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Monday, December 9, 2013
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Friday, December 6, 2013
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
Sunday, December 1, 2013
While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say "Your Honor, I'm guilty but...there were extenuating circumstances."
The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too, so I listened as the lady told her story."
Your Honour, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!
Complete darkness, the power was off!
Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise grip alone are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy... The door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire," found me... standing on my tip-toes, half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did, but thanks anyway."
"OK, you take care now," Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honour, is exactly how her head ended up between clamps...."
The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed".
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Friday, November 29, 2013
- Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
- A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
- The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
- Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
- A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
- I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
- Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
- Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
- Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
- We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
- Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
- If it weren't for hockey, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
- You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
- What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
- The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
- I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
- His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
- Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
- My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
- There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
- I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
- My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor .
- My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
- Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
- I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
- The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Monday, November 25, 2013
The wife came home for lunch today, and announced that there was a dead opossum laying in the street next to our house. I wandered out and took a look and it appears this bad boy was a victim of the Obama Care failed roll-out! Must have been booted out of our local hospital and left on his own! So sad!
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Friday, November 22, 2013
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Friday, November 15, 2013
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Monday, November 11, 2013
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Friday, November 8, 2013
GO HERE to read the truth!
However, the jingle is amusing.
However, the jingle is amusing.