THE AFRICAN LAXATIVE

WHAT A COLLISION WITH A DEER CAN DO

This is Hwy. 71 in Arkansas, which is very popular with motorcycle riders. After seeing what one deer can do to a truck, I’m not sure anyone should feel safe on a motorcycle!The truck was traveling in southern Arkansas, between Mena and DeQueen. An oncoming car clipped a deer and sent it straight up into the air.

The deer came down head-first into Mr. Clayton’s brand new truck. The deer's head went through the front windshield, cutting the head (plus some) off and landed in his wife Jill’s lap. The body of the deer flipped up, smashed in the top of the truck, and landed in the bed. Clayton couldn't see Jill from his side, because the top of the truck was smashed in so horribly. He got out of the truck, went around, and opened the door on her side...only to start flipping out, because she was literally drenched in blood.

However, neither one of them was hurt. Her parents were following in a separate vehicle and didn't see it happen... but drove up on it right afterward. I can’t imagine what they were thinking! I know this isn’t a unique experience, but I've never personally known anyone that it's happened to or seen pictures like this.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN AND WOMAN

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

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THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Iran......ruled by a dick.

REPEAT AFTER ME...

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN,

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN,

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN,

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!!!

GRANDMA'S ADVICE

My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce.

The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk...

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13.

We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.

She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.

"And always remember this thing," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"'How come, Grandma," I asked her?

She answered in her soft voice, "Makes your dick look bigger."

Kind’a brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Thanks to Charles Penley!

COMPLETE TOUR OF MOUNT RUSHMORE

Everyone has been to the front of Mount Rushmore,
but have you ever been to the "rear"?

THE DANDERS OF MIXING ALCOHOL AND DRUGS

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE WHITE MAN AND THE INDIAN MAN

Indian Chief, 'Two Eagles', was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!’

MODEL SUES MEXICAN PLASTIC SURGEON

THE SCARIEST LICENSE PLATE EVER!

PMS kills every 4 minutes!

Thanks to Gary Witt!

7 YEAR -OLD DECIDES CUSTODY CASE

Texas Judge gives 7 year-old right to decide custody.

Dallas, TX, January 6, 2009

A seven year old boy was at the center of a county courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone. (Sorry FHB!)

(SIDE NOTE) He really should live with the Texans; Houston has better climate, more jobs, less seksual (urban slang) scandals, more hurricanes, less snow.

Just ask Michael Irving - he played for Dallas to score, and it wasn’t on the playing field if you know what I mean?

Thanks Cousin Jill!

THE BLOND'S FLAT TIRE

So, this blond had a flat tire on the Interstate so she eased her car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

She took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life-like you wouldn't believe it! They are wearing trench coats but exposing their privates to the approaching drivers.

She started to change her tire, and to her surprise, cars started slowing down looking at her life-like men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving. It wasn't long before a Trooper pulled up behind her.

He got out of his car and started walking towards her. She could tell he was not a happy camper.

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire" she said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

She couldn't believe that he didn't know. So she told him "Hello-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers."

Thanks to Lin!

PORT-A-POTTIES ARE EVERYWHERE AT THE INAUGURATION

It would appear, if you haven’t been watching or reading the news, that the Smithsonian in Washington is having a special showing of the history of “Port-a-potties”!

The truth is there may be as many as 7,000 of them in D. C., sitting in unexpected places, waiting to relieve the 2 million, or more, witnesses to Barack Obama’s inauguration and associated street parties.

There are parties going on everywhere, and so many are in attendance that the best seat in the house may be “standing room only, more that half a mile away, in front of a jumbotron!

Now, I haven’t seen any “beer” vendors yet, but if they are there, this is, and will be, one hell of a shindig!

Photos are all by Miller Taylor.

OLD IS WHEN...

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

'OLD' I S WHEN...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all-nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?

Thanks to Charlie the Cop!

WASHINGTON PREPARES FOR THE INAUGURATION – IF YOU SEAT THEM, THEY WILL COME!

A field of cold folding chairs sits waiting for a nation to come and witness the swearing in of their 44^th President. More importantly, they come to see the first African American to ever be elected to the highest office in the United States of America. Regardless of the number of chairs opened and placed before the stage they will all be filled!

Temperatures in the low 30’s will greet the expected 2 million people that will bear witness to this historical day. There will be a lot of cold people looking for the nearest bathroom too! The capitol has lined up between 5 and 6,000 “Port-a-potties” for the event!

Where people gather in large numbers, there will also be a host of vendors hoping to make a quick buck. Hawkers along the inaugural route are pushing everything imaginable. Here you can see framed pictures of Obama and Martin Luther King, “Obama Bucks” on lanyards, and grapefruit-size inflatable “Inaugural Balls” with the President Elect’s photo on them! Just a few of the things we need to help us remember this historic occasion!

It was 22 degrees and breezy in Washington D. C. today, yet a throng of onlookers watched the news networks setup and broadcast their shows. Here you can see David Shuster and Chris Matthews of MSNBC merrily preparing to go on-air!

My man in the street in Washington, Miller Taylor, said that he, and his wife Ginny, had to rush back to their nearby apartment and dig out their “long-johns”, so we are hoping the crowd remembered theirs!

I am sure glad this patriot will be warm and toasty, in front of my wide-screen, on Tuesday!

GLOBAL WARMING MY ASS...

Stolen from Sarge Charlie!

THE ASH DANGER AT KINGSTON STEAM PLANT IS NOT OVER YET

Jason Mynatt, a resident of Roane County, Tennessee, can attest to the fact that the ash from the December 22^nd retention pond break, at TVA’s Kingston Steam Plant, is still posing problems for the local environment. As he flew Wednesday (January 14^th), he took these remarkable new photographs of the inundated area covered by the ash spill.

Ash is clearly seen still running off into the Emory River near Harriman, Tennessee (Photo 1). Only time will tell how far down stream the ash has moved, possibly causing great harm to the fish and other inhabitants of the Emory and Tennessee Rivers.

These photos illustrate the extent of the area affected by the ash flow (Photos 2 and 3), and progress of the working TVA is performing. It is becoming more and more evident that this new inundated area will become TVA’s new expanded “ash dump”! The area covered was once a favorite fishing and swimming hole for local residents of the Harriman and Swan Pond area. It is hard to image this area ever again providing that pleasure to area residents in their lifetime.

The yellow stuff on top of the ash is straw and grass seed that TVA helicopters have dropped on the area over the last few weeks. The effort is supposed to be for the purpose of preventing the ash from becoming airborne once the area dries out. Tracks through the sludge are those of the amphibious equipment working in the sludge. It appears that TVA will now have a much large area in which to store the byproduct from the coal they burn.

Two other things are evident in the photos. One is the great depth of the pond that broke (Photo 4), and the other is that only a narrow strip of retention wall remains between the remaining pond/s and another disaster (Photo 2 – just right of center).

Thanks Jason for the use of your shots!

OBAMA vs. THE CONSTITUTION

WHAT A CHANGE!

'Lovable Louise's' Christmas Adventure

(This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.)

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You’ll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and had left a present that had made him VERY happy, but that it had left the dog very confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.

'What the hell is that?' She asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny…hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

HERE'S YOUR SIGN...

Wear it proudly!

HERE'S A PHOTO OF THE BOAT I WANT

Nice huh?

What is the meaning of courage?

Is it to fight a bull in a bullring?
Is it to drive a formula 1 car?
Is it to fly a fighter into combat?
Is it to practice free fall parachuting?
Is it bungee jumping, white water rafting?
Is it to gamble your salary on a coin toss?
Is it to insult the bouncer in a bar?
Is it to offend your boss?
Is it to ride on a defective Ferris wheel?

Pwah ... that's nothing ...

Thanks to Gary Witt!

AMPHIBIOUS VEHICLES WORK TO CLEAN UP TVA ASH SPILL

Nate Hendrickson took the time this morning after Sunday services (January 11) to take a couple of photos of the ongoing effort by TVA to clean up the ash spill near their Kingston Steam Plant. A relatively new invention called “amphibious track hoes” work around the clock digging drainage ditches through the ash sludge in order to drain water from the ash.

Overhead, helicopters fly about spreading grass seed and straw. This effort is to reduce the possibility of the ash getting airborne as it begins to dry out.

The volume of ash and water that broke from retention ponds on December 22^nd is now estimated at 1.1 billion gallons!

Stock Market Quote of the Week

"This is worse than a divorce...
I've lost half my net worth
and I still have my wife!"

WHAT DO ALL THESE MUG SHOTS HAVE IN COMMON?

There's a message here, but I can't quite grasp it, or maybe I am afraid to.

WE ARE ABOUT TO WITNESS A MIRCLE A LONG TIME IN THE MAKING

In a few short days, an African American man will move from his private residence into a much larger and infinitely more expensive one owned not by him but by the taxpayers. A vast lawn, a perimeter fence and many well trained security specialists will insulate him from the rest of us but the mere fact that this man will be residing in this house should make us all stop and count or blessings - because it proves that we live in a nation where anything is possible.

Many believed this day would never come. Most of us hoped and prayed that it would, but few of us actually believed we would live to see it. Racism is an ugly thing in all of its forms and there is little doubt that if this man had moved into this house fifteen years ago, there would have been a great outcry - possibly even rioting in the streets. Today, we can all be both grateful and proud that no such mayhem will take place when this man takes up residency in this house.

This man, moving into this house at this time in our nation's history is much more than a simple change of addresses for him - it is proof of a change in our attitude as a nation. It is an amends of sorts - the righting of a great wrong. It is a symbol of our growth, and of our willingness to "judge a man, not by the color of his skin but by the content of his character".

There can be little doubt now that the vast majority of us truly believe that this man has earned both his place in history and his new address. His time in this house will not be easy - it will be fraught with danger and he will face many challenges. I am sure there will be many times when he asks himself how in the world he ended up here and like all who have gone before him, the experience will age him greatly.

But I for one will not waste an ounce of worry for his sake - because in every way a man can, he asked for this. His whole life for the past fifteen years appears to have been inexorably leading this man toward this house. It is highly probable that that in the past, despite all of his actions, racism would have kept this man out of this house. Today, I thank the lord above that I am an American and that I live in a nation where wrongs are righted, where justice matters and where truly anything is possible.

Who is this man, you ask? You think you know, don't you?

See below…

Has anybody seen my cock?

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?'

All the men stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'

All the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'

Half the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

The priest fainted.

Charlie the Cop

OLD TIMER SEX

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

Thanks to Boyd Smith!

WHEN I DIE LAY ME CLOSE TO WHAT I LOVE MOST!

Thanks to FHB!

REMEMBER THAT TRAIN SWALLOWED BY THE ASH SLIDE IN KINGSTON?

Well, they finally got the train and its loaded coal cars out of the ash muck that stopped it dead in its tracks two weeks ago today (Monday).

The train was delivering its morning load of coal to TVA's Kingston Steam Plant when it plowed into the surging ash slurry that had just broken out of the holding ponds near the power plant. No one aboard was injured.

I received these photos today from an unknown source, and thought you might find them interesting.

The morning coal delivery to the power plant was stopped by the surge of the ash slurry that broke loose around 1AM that morning. The train, traveling somewhere between 5 and 10 MPH rounded a bend and was stopped dead in its tracks by the force of the ash slide. The engine was moved from the tracks and had to be re-tracked after the ash muck was removed.
The tracks and Swan Pond Road remains blocked, but I'm sure they will have it open soon. The moving of ash and dike wall soil back into a confined area continues, and TVA is spreading grass seed over the ash via helicopter in an effort to reduce the possibility of the wind making the ash particles airborne.

Wells in the area continue to be monitored, and as of now, the results are still meeting current standards.

A lot of residents equate the loss of their homes and land to the loss of a family member, and some are even reluctant to leave. TVA continues to hold meetings with all concerned residents. The first meeting had to be moved to a larger venue when the responding crowd was larger than TVA anticipated.

In an effort to keep the ash out of the Emory River, TVA is dumping rock along the outer edge of the ash, and plans to drive steel beams into the soil behind it. However, heavy rains falling tonight (Monday - Jan. 5) will hamper those efforts and wash even more ash into the river.

It will be some time before the spill is contained, and TVA will have to spend much more than first estimated.