THE ORIGINAL COMPUTER

Things used to be so much simpler!

HOW TO TELL IF THE MARINES HAVE COME AND GONE

Could be considered "over kill",
but does it matter when the original objective was to kill the enemy?

THINGS THAT HAPPEN WHEN YOU GET OLD!

EVERY BODY KEEP YOUR NOSE OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS...I'LL BE BACK SOON.

CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT'S GOING ON WITH ME!

PRINCE CHARLES AND CAMILLA'S WEDDING NIGHT

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night after the festivities were finally over, she and Prince Charles had retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, ones feet are killing one.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor but it would not budge. 'Harder' yelled Camilla. 'Harder?'

Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it’s just so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got,' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed, 'Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, 'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out, 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter!'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen, 'That's my boy, once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'

A truly funny one from Charlie the Cop!

BIRD STRIKE IN JET ENGINE

FA-22 FIGHTERS OPERATIONAL AT LANGLEY

These are great In-flight Photos of the F/A-22 as the last aircraft delivery was made to Langley AFB in Va. Langley is to be first Operational AFB for the F/A-22. It is a very beautiful AFB, located in a picturesque location, as you can see in these photos, near Norfolk and Hampton, Va.

The Aircraft flying along with the F/A-22 in the next photo is the F-15, which will be replaced by the F/A-22 which is several times better than the F-15.

In Actual In-flight (simulated) Combat Operations against the F-15, two F/A-22s were able to operate without detection while it went Head to Head against (8) F-15s. The F/A-22s scored Missile Hits (Kills) against all the F-15 Aircraft and the F/A-22s were never detected by either the F-15s or Ground Based Radar. Maj. Gen. Rick Lewis said: 'The Raptor operated against all adversaries with virtual impunity; Ground Based Systems couldn’t engage and NO adversary aircraft survived'!

F/A-22-- America’s Most Advanced Fighter Aircraft for the 21st Century!

They're a titanium and carbon fiber dagger. They’re so advanced that if their on-board locator is switched off even our own satellites can lose track of them. They're the first military aircraft ever built that is equipped with a 'black-out button'. What that means is this...the best conditioned fighter pilots are capable of maintaining consciousness up to in the vicinity of 15+ G. The Raptor is capable of making 22+ G turns. If someday an adversary builds a missile that is capable of catching up to one of these airplanes and a Raptor pilot sees that a strike is imminent, he hits the 'b.o.b.' and the airplane makes a virtual U-turn, leaving the missile to pass right on by. They know that in the process he’ll temporarily lose consciousness, so the Raptor then automatically comes back to straight and level flight until he wakes back up.

FYI –

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN!
DON'T MESS WITH US!

TWO HILLBILLIES

1st Hillbilly: “My wife sure is stupid!…She bought an air conditioner.”

2nd Hillbilly: “Why is that stupid?”

1st Hillbilly: “We ain’t got no ‘lectricity!”

2nd Hillbilly: “That’s nothin’! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin’ machines!”

1st Hillbilly: “Why is that so stupid?”

2nd Hillbilly: “Cause we ain’t got no plummin’!”

3rd Hillbilly: “That ain’t nuthin’! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin’ fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.”

1st and 2nd Hillbillies: “Well what’s so dumb about that?”

3rd Hillbilly: “She ain’t got no pecker."

Thanks to dkgrant!

GUESS WHO'S KICKING HIMSELF NOW?!

NEW OBAMA SOUP

Available soon at a "re-distribution" center near you...delicious when served with "ACORN" squash!

WARNING: Consumption may have a need for "Joe the Plumber"!

CALIFORNIA PROPERTY LAWS

In California when listing your home for sale you must disclose anything that could adversely affect the value of your property.

Sooooo, this property owner is complying with the law!

WOMEN DRIVERS

...NUFF SAID!

WHO DO YOU TRUST?

"I never had any personal contact with the Governor"
Is there a politician who can tell the truth?

TODAY'S MEANING OF LIQUIDITY

Vocabulary word for the day: Liquidity
*****

****

***

**

*

Liquidity

When you look

at your investments

and wet your pants.

WHAT TO DO WHEN IT SNOWS

Just make the best of it!

SORRY BILL, NO KISS FOR YOU!

DUREX - GET IT ON!

OTHER THINGS TO TEACH YOUR CHILDREN NOT TO DO

As a parent, I often wonder if I taught my son and daughters everything they needed to know to lead a safe and sane life. You know what I mean . . . don’t run with a knife, don't stick beans in your nose, don't lick a frosted piece of metal, etc. But you know I think I might have missed this particular piece of advice.

Let’s face it, if your son or daughter ever tried this totally idiotic stunt you could figure they are way too stupid to make it in this world anyway!

Never . . .

Ever . . .

Ever . . .

Put a FIRECRACKER in your butt and light it.

I REPEAT . . .

Never ... Ever ... Ever

Put a FIRE CRACKER in your butt and light it!

EMBARRASSING MOMENTS WITH YOUR DOG

So...there you are, having a dinner party...

Your parents are there,

Your in-laws are there,

Your boss and his wife are there,

The minister and his wife are there,

You're all settling down for a nice relaxing evening dinner,

Then in walks the dog...

......

TIME SAVING TIPS

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our “you-know-what”, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

Charlie the Cop

WHO'S GONNA TELL'EM...

Jerry...you just don't have it anymore!

THE TEQUILA DIET - IT WORKS WONDERS

Tequila - making women act stupid for years!

PIEBALD BUCK TAKEN IN TEXAS

Bellville, Texas resident, James Curtis, took this unique piebald* whitetail (some call it a Calico) in Palestine, Texas opening weekend of deer season. The TBGA Official green score was 138 5/8 B&C gross with a net score of 136. The deer's body weight was 195 pounds! Congrats to James for such a unique trophy!

What would you have done? Taken it home and hung’im over your couch, or would you chose to sell your prize to Cabela's for about $13,000!

Either way, ol’ James won’t soon forget that hunt!

* The term "piebald," used to identify a whitetail with at least one extra splotch of white hair, has an interesting origin. "Pie" means "mixed up;" "bald" means "having a white spot." To a horseman, a "piebald" is a horse with black and white splotches; one with brown and white splotches actually is known as a "skewbald."

MOLLY THE CAMEL

A new Marine Captain, named Big Willy, was assigned as commander to an outfit in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there

"Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the base and no women. And sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have Molly the Camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I officially condone this, but I understand about "urges". The camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges" and asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, and has wild, insane sex with Molly. When he's done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

“No, Sir...they usually just ride the camel into town to where the girls are."

SEMPER FI

INTERPRETING INDIAN NAMES