TWEETY BIRD TURNS 62

The character we all know as Tweety Bird débuted in a 1947 cartoon known as “Tweetie Pie”, costarring Sylvester the cat.

Tweety is old enough to draw Social Security this year, and he looks and feels like the rest of us!

Thanks Lin.

CONGRESS AND NASCAR

BEST IDEA I HAVE HEARD IN LONG, LONG TIME!!!

Members of Congress

should be compelled to wear

uniforms like NASCAR drivers,

so we could identify their

CORPORATE SPONSORS

WHAT'S A BRAZILIAN?

The Department of Defense briefed the President this morning and told OBAMA that two Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face. Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked, "Just how many is a brazilian?"

This is especially enlightening since he obviously has no rat’s ass understanding of billion or trillion either.

THE THREE TYPES OF ANTI-WAR PROTEST

There was a march on the Pentagon today (March 21st) for the sixth anniversary of the Iraq war. You know how I (Miller Taylor) like protests and rallies of any political persuasion, so my wife and I went to the gathering point to wander among them. We didn’t want to go all the way to the Pentagon.

From my observation there are three types of anti-war protests:

• A sincere protest of a specific war
• A sincere general protest of war itself
• A gathering of leftists with war as a reason to gather.

This was a gathering of leftist with many causes represented. The red table banner pretty well sums it up.

I HIT A WHAT?!

Two old people, a man and his wife, were on their way to Greenville, NC and stopped at McDonalds in Farmville (just off of 264 East bypass) last Saturday and did not know they had hit this deer!

Someone in McDonalds had to tell them. The old man said he noticed the car was starting to "run a little hot" the last few miles!

Cows, the Constitution, and the Ten Commandments

COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.


THE CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.


THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this. You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It would create a hostile work environment.

Hmmm ...

YOU BECAME A WHAT?

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father barked at her...

'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer poor, poor dear Mother thru?’

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff......Dad.....I became a prostitute..'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex.’

‘And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and...'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' said Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute, Dad! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'.... Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!'

THE IRISHMEN AND THE MUSLIM

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back and said, 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'

NOT ALL IRISH ARE DRUNKS

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men...are men.

LETTER TO THE BANK

Dear Sirs,

One of my checks was returned marked "insufficient funds." In view of current developments in the banking industry, does that refer to me or to you?

Sincerely,
Your customer

Thanks Lin!

DO YOU THINK YOU'LL LIVE TO BE 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?’

I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said, ‘Then, why do you even give a shit'?

Thanks Jil!

The Shoe Box

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved that he had to fight back tears; only two precious dolls were in the box. She had obviously only been angry with him two times in all those years. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said "that explains the dolls but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "That’s just the money I made from selling the dolls."

Thanks Lin!

NEW PARKING LOT SCAM

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No,' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also December 1st & 4th, Twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 30th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot!

This warning from Mark Steel!