WHY YOU'RE FAT

PROCRASTINATION

HAVING FUN WITH ALZHEIMER'S

ONLINE DATING - NOT AS EASY AT IT LOOKS!

IT'S HAMMER TIME!

"Stop! Hammertime!" in the fathertongue: "Halt! Hammerzeit!"

PARENTING MADE EASY

RAFF OUT ROUD

Do Japanese say LOL or ROR?

HOW MUCH DO MEN LOVE THEIR GOLF?

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack. "Help me dear," she gasps to her husband.

The husband calls for help on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

THE US RULES OF ENGAGEMENT (ROE) AND THE RECENT PIRATE HOSTAGE SITUATION

A READER WRITES:

A FRIEND SPOKE TO some SEAL pals in Virginia Beach yesterday and asking why this thing dragged out for 4 days, he got the following:

1. BHO (Obama) wouldn't authorize the DEVGRU/NSWC SEAL teams to the scene for 36 hours going against OSC (on scene commander) recommendation.
2. Once they arrived, BHO imposed restrictions on their ROE (Rules of Engagement) that they couldn't do anything unless the hostage's life was in "imminent" danger.
3. The first time the hostage jumped, the SEALS had the raggies all sighted in, but could not fire due to ROE restriction.
4. When the navy RIB came under fire as it approached with supplies, no fire was returned due to ROE restrictions. As the raggies were shooting at the RIB, they were exposed and the SEALS had them all dialed in.
5. BHO specifically denied two rescue plans developed by the Bainbridge CPN and SEAL teams
6. Bainbridge CPN and SEAL team CDR finally decide they have the Op Area and OSC authority to solely determine risk to hostage. 4 hours later, 3 dead raggies!
7. BHO immediately claims credit for his "daring and decisive" behavior. As usual with him, it's BS.

So per our last email thread, I'm downgrading Oohbaby's (Obama) performance to D-. Only reason it's not an F is that the hostage survived.

Read the following accurate account.

Philips' first leap into the warm, dark water of the Indian Ocean hadn't worked out as well. With the Bainbridge in range and a rescue by his country's Navy possible, Philips threw himself off of his lifeboat prison, enabling Navy shooters onboard the destroyer a clear shot at his captors ­and none was taken.

The guidance from National Command Authority ­ the president of the United States, Barack Obama ­ had been clear: a peaceful solution was the only acceptable outcome to this standoff unless the hostage's life was in clear, extreme danger.

The next day, a small Navy boat approaching the floating raft was fired on by the Somali pirates­ and again no fire was returned and no pirates killed. This was again due to the cautious stance assumed by Navy personnel thanks to the combination of a lack of clear guidance from Washington and a mandate from the commander in chief's staff not to act until Obama, a man with no background of dealing with such issues and no track record of decisiveness, decided that any outcome other than a "peaceful solution" would be acceptable.

After taking fire from the Somali kidnappers again Saturday night, the on scene commander decided he'd had enough.

Keeping his authority to act in the case of a clear and present danger to the hostage's life and having heard nothing from Washington since yet another request to mount a rescue operation had been denied the day before, the Navy officer ­ unnamed in all media reports to date ­ decided the AK47 one captor had leveled at Philips' back was a threat to the hostage's life and ordered the NSWC team to take their shots.

Three rounds downrange later, all three brigands became enemy KIA and Philips was safe.

There is upside, downside, and spin side to the series of events over the last week that culminated in yesterday's dramatic rescue of an American hostage.

Almost immediately following word of the rescue, the Obama administration and its supporters claimed victory against pirates in the Indian Ocean and declared that the dramatic end to the standoff put paid to questions of the inexperienced president's toughness and decisiveness.

Despite the Obama administration's (and its sycophants') attempt to spin yesterday's success as a result of bold, decisive leadership by the inexperienced president, the reality is nothing of the sort.

What should have been a standoff lasting only hours­ as long as it took the USS Bainbridge and its team of NSWC operators to steam to the location became an embarrassing four day and counting standoff between a ragtag handful of criminals with rifles and a U.S. Navy warship.

U.S. Military ROE

The 1999 Marine Corps Close Combat Manual (MCRP 3-02B) presents a “Continuum of Force” the following breakdown:

• Level 1: Compliant (Cooperative). The subject responds and complies to verbal commands. Close combat techniques do not apply.
• Level 2: Resistant (Passive). The subject resists verbal commands but complies immediately to any contact controls. Close combat techniques do not apply.
• Level 3: Resistant (Active). The subject initially demonstrates physical resistance. Use compliance techniques to control the situation. Level three incorporates close combat techniques to physically force a subject to comply. Techniques include: Come-along holds, Soft-handed stunning blows, Pain compliance through the use of joint manipulation and the use of pressure points.
• Level 4: Assaultive (Bodily Harm). The subject may physically attack, but does not use a weapon. Use defensive tactics to neutralize the threat. Defensive tactics include: Blocks, Strikes, Kicks, Enhanced pain compliance procedures, Impact weapon blocks and blows.
• Level 5: Assaultive (Lethal Force). The subject usually has a weapon and will either kill or injure someone if he/she is not stopped immediately and brought under control. The subject must be controlled by the use of deadly force with or without a firearm or weapon.

To The Guy Who Tried To Mug Me

Posted to Craig's List Personals (undetermined on Snopes):

To The Guy Who Tried To Mug Me In Downtown Savannah Night Before Last.

Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43AM EST

I was the guy with the Blackberry and jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.

I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside.

You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh?

It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.

I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet.

I threw the wallet in a fancy pink "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the driver’s side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cellphone. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service.

I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).

I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. - Alex

P.S. Remember this motto...an armed society is a polite society!

HOW TO BEAT A BREATHALYZER TEST

THE LIBERALS WERE RIGHT

The liberals were right!

They told me if I voted for McCain, the nation's hope would deteriorate, and sure enough, there has been a 20 point drop in the Consumer Confidence Index since the election, reaching a lower point than any time during the Bush administration.

They told me if I voted for McCain, the US would become more deeply embroiled in the Middle East, and sure enough, tens of thousands of additional troops are scheduled to be deployed into Afghanistan.

They told me if I voted for McCain, that the economy would get worse, and sure enough, unemployment is approaching 8.8% and the new stimulus packages implemented recently have sent the stock market lower than at any time since 9-11 .

They told me if I voted for McCain, we would see more "crooks" in high ranking positions in Federal government, and sure enough, several recent cabinet nominees and Senate appointments revealed resumes of bribery and tax fraud.

Well, I ignored my Democrat friends in November and voted for McCain. And they were right ... all of their predictions have come true.

FRUIT FLASHER

Thanks Noel!

THINK YOU HAVE ENOUGH GUNS?

...or the terrorists, the drug smugglers, home invaders, socialist, leftest, or the in laws come!

HOW MANY TIMES CAN YOU MILK THE SAME COW?

O BA MA or OBAMA?

Obama doesn't mean the same thing in every language...then again...maybe it does!

Thanks Pat!

Jack Black, Ben Stiller & Robert Downey, Jr. at 2008 MTV Movie Awards

Jack Black, Ben Stiller & Robert Downey, Jr. at 2008 MTV Movie Awards from Robert Downey Jr

A FAIR TRADE ACT

Last Tuesday as President Obama got off his helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies, "These are not just pigs...these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes and says, "Outstanding trade, sir; my compliments!"

GROWING UP BLUES

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears, “promise me you won’t tell me.”

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech. At seven I got the ‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa speech’, so, if you’re going to tell me grown-ups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing else to live for!”

THE MYTH ABOUT BELLS AND BEAR SAFETY

WHEN I DIE I WANT JUST ONE THING

There are two things in this ol' world that I love most...

LAW ENFORCEMENT GETTING SERIOUS ABOUT THEIR SPEED TRAPS

They might just shoot you right down!

THE CURE FOR CONSTIPATION

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, look in the mirror and repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:

"My financial and personal well being is totally in the hands of...Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emanuel, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Al Gore."

If that doesn't scare the shit out of you, then you are probably destined to be backed up for the rest of your life.

This has been a public service announcement.

BAR STOOL FOR THE TRUE KILT WEARING SCOTSMAN

Ah, the comfort and security of a Scottish Bar Stool!

NRA'S SALESMAN OF THE YEAR

STOP YELLING ACROSS THE HOUSE

Thanks Jose!