THE EXERCISE RECLINER

PLAY ME SOME MICHAEL JACKSON

I bought a car last week that has everything imaginable on it…even plays music for you when you tell it what kind to play. I was going down the highway and I said, “Rock...and it started playing some Rolling Stones!”

A little further down the road it said, “Blues…and it started playing some B. B. King!”

Later I got to wanting to hear some country, so I yelled, “Country, and Toby Keith started up!”

After I got into town, I pulled up to a red light and rolled my window down. Just then a car full of teenagers pulled along side me with Rap playing loudly, so I rolled my window back up and said, “Fuckin’ kids…and Michael Jackson started playing!”

MICHAEL JACKSON'S BEST ROCK'N ROLL SONG

I've been listening to tributes to Michael Jackson all week, and have yet to hear my favorite song played...to me his best ever.

Who played the lead guitar? The guitar solo in Michael Jackson's Dirty Diana was by Steve Stevens, Billy Idol's guitar player.

WONDERING WHO YOUR DAUGHTER IS TEXTING?

You might not want to know!

NEVER AGAIN!

DON'T JUMP ON THE TRAMPOLINE!

A fellow could get hurt using that thing!

BEING DRAWN TO FOOD?

SLOW DOWN YOU OL' GEEZER!

YOUR EXERCISING SCHEDULE

SIDE EFFECTS OF THE SWINE FLU

FOR FATHER'S DAY

"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer, Amen."

Parallel Lives

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.

One complained to the other, "Boy, business stinks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my ass."

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.

Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I can relate; if I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my car."

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

You declined to pay $1400 to get your car's air-conditioning fixed, and decided you could fix it yourself!

NEVER TAKE CANDY FROM A STRANGER!

REMEMBER WHEN YOUR MOTHER TOLD YOU NEVER TO TAKE CANDY FROM A STRANGER...

...THIS IS THE ONE

SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT!

WHEN A SOLDIER COMES HOME

When a soldier comes home, he finds it hard....

…to listen to his son whine about being bored.

...to keep a straight face when people complain about potholes.

…to be tolerant of people who complain about the hassle of getting ready for work.

...to be understanding when a co-worker complains about a bad night's sleep.

...to be silent when people pray to God for a new car.

...to control his panic when his wife tells him he needs to drive slower.

...to be compassionate when a businessman expresses a fear of flying.

...to keep from laughing when anxious parents say they're afraid to send their kids off to summer camp.

...to keep from ridiculing someone who complains about hot weather.

...to control his frustration when a colleague gripes about his coffee being cold.

...to remain calm when his daughter complains about having to walk the dog.

...to be civil to people who complain about their jobs.

...to just walk away when someone says they only get two weeks of vacation a year.

...to be forgiving when someone says how hard it is to have a new baby in the house.

The only thing harder than being a Soldier…Is loving one!

THE MIDGET AND THE PICK POCKET

I was reading in the paper today about this midget that got pick pocketed.

I mean really, how could anyone stoop so low?

THE GAVEYARD ENCOUNTER

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a man hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."

He replied, "No, just taking a shit."

PLAYING DOCTOR

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctor with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother angrily . "He took out her liver!"

THE CUSTODY FIGHT

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.

I took her out with one punch.

THE DILDO

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dick that big."

INTERNET SEX

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet.

She turned out to be an undercover detective.

How cool is that at her age?!

WARNING! THIS MAY BE A SCAM!

I'm not sure, but it looks suspicious!

THERE'S A NEW ISLAMIC MAGAZINE OUT NOW

Check it out at: HAMMER'S

THE CONTESTS

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"

"First Place!" said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio enters.

After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is this Nancy Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio.

NEW FROM GM (Government Motors)

PUNS FOR THE EDUCATED

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

THE BLONDE AND THE LOTTERY

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins. She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I've always been a good servant to you. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this....Buy a ticket."

19 Year-old Security Policeman (Woman) Gets The Job Done

This nineteen-year-old ex-cheerleader (now an Air Force Security Forces Sniper) was watching a road that led to a NATO military base when she observed a man digging by the road. She engaged the target (i.e., she shot him). Turned out he was a bomb maker for the Taliban and he was burying an IED that was to be detonated when a US patrol walked by30 minutes later. It would have certainly killed and wounded several soldiers.

The interesting fact of this story is the shot was measured at 725* yards. She shot him as he was bent over burying the bomb. The shot went through his butt and into the bomb which detonated; he was blown to pieces. The Air Force made a motivational poster of her:

(*Folks, that's a shot 25 yards longer than seven football fields!)

And the last thing that came out of his mouth was…his ass!

Allah Akbar!

RETIREMENT EXPLAINED...