DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR GAL'S BEEN?

WAYS TO SAVE TOILET PAPER!

REDNECK WORD OF THE DAY...OBAMA!

RULES THAT GOVERN A GUNFIGHT!

AFRO-INGENUITY AT ITS BEST!

IT'S A FRO-HAT!

GET OFF MY PROPERTY...NOW!

WHAT THE DEMOS ARE FEEDING US!

STRATEGY FOR GETTING YOUR WAY

Stolen from Dave & Thomas!

SENIOR DATING SERVICE

HOW MUCH GUN IS ENOUGH GUN?

Whatever it takes to get the job done!

SOME THINGS TO THINK ABOUT...

"When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane"

"What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?"

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory"

"OK, so what's the speed of dark?"

“He who laughs last, thinks the slowest!”

“It’s a shame that 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name!”

Discovery Channel Experiment

A Florida couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African black bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower; his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black!"

NOW THIS IS WHAT I CALL DRUNK DRIVING

Now here's a hard core drinker and one tough Dodge truck.

The driver hit the left turn light and sheared off the light post at the base, and then kept driving on about 2 miles to Squires Four Pub, where he stopped for more beer!! How impaired do you have to be to NOT notice that you are carrying a stop light? (I Wonder if the light was green?)

The truck was towed about 2.5 miles to the Vernon towing yard, with the light still pinched between the two tow hooks and the bumper bent around it.

It took several good hard pulls with a backhoe to get the pole free.

THE ADVANTAGES OF STEM CELL RESEARCH

After a few short years of stem cell research, they finally got it right...

Twice the fun. And NO bitching!

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything.
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda!
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet.
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids.
Georgia: We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Good
Illinois: Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else.
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet.
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Edyoocashun State
Texas: Se Hablo Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Ay, Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: We have more rain than you do.
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese!
Wyoming: Where Men are men and the sheep are scared

A HISTORY LESSON FOR CONSERVATIVES AND LIBERALS

For those that don't know about history...Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's to show how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water.They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud (THE ONLY PART I DON'T AGREE WITH). They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, engineers, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.

WHAT DO OLD FOLKS DO WHEN THEY RETIRE?

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now you're retired?'

"Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer,wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine. And I'm pretty damn good at it, too!"

THAT DARN CAT!

OBAMOPOLY

The object of the game is to destroy American capitalism by having the government take over everything! Tokens include a bus, a teleprompter, a sprig of arugula and a waffle iron.

Wanna play? No??? Too bad, you're already playing ... and quite frankly, in this game, nobody wins.

THE VIAGRA DIET

A woman asks her husband "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It’s really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "This Viagra” he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib-eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No" he says, "it's got to be the Viagra ... I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "then would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!"

IRANIAN PROTESTERS TAKE TO THE STREETS IN WASHINGTON

About noon Saturday, Iranian Americans took to the streets and marched from the Capitol to the White House along Pennsylvania Avenue.

Photos by Miller Taylor

ALCOHOL MAKES YOU COOL!

THE LIE DECTOR

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year old son, returned home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late..

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him com-pletely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

TRAIN/SUBWAY SAFETY

How to safely hold on while the train is in motion...

I was referring to the old gentleman...you dirty old man!

THE FEMALE UROLOGIST

As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists. And in my case, a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just out of medical school female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."

Gennaro's Leather Shoes

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'

Gennaro answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?'

He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.'

Gennaro gasps, ‘Thanka God...I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!'

IN BEER NEWS…

This is damn serious stuff...beer contains female hormones!

Last month MSU scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens);

Therefore, by drinking enough beer, men can turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 pints of beer within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the tests subjects:

1. Argued over nothing.
2. Refused to apologize when obliviously wrong.
3. Gained weight.
4. Talked excessively without making sense.
5. Became overly emotional.
6. Couldn't drive.
7. Failed to think rationally.
8. Had to sit down to urinate.

WHAT SOUND DOES A PIG MAKE?

A teacher in a Detroit, Michigan elementary school asked her students if they could tell the class what sound a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and said: "Up against the wall mother fucker!"

I guess there's not too many farms in Detroit...

LONG MAY IT WAVE!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY UHMERIKA!

Earl Pitts - a true Uhmerikun, wishes you all a Happy 4th of July!

THE HOOKER AND THE TAXI DRIVER

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.

Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." she said.

The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver and the fare back to town is $25."

MICHAEL JACKSON TO BE MELTED DOWN...

Due to the fact that Michael Jackson is 99% plastic, he will be melted down into lego blocks so little kids can play with him for a change!

MEMORY LOSS EFFECTS EVERYONE