HOW TO SAVE MONEY ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!

WITCH PROBLEMS!

THIS YEAR'S MOST POPULAR HALLOWEEN COSTUME IS...

Every gal will be going as "Octomom" this year!

SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married...Did you?'

Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure. What was her maiden name?'

Sex in the Shower!

In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (Brut), people from Detroit and Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of Detroit's and Chicago's inner city residents (almost all of whom are registered Democrats) said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People...

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks... A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

ARE YOU READY FOR HALLOWEEN?

YOU ARE NOW!

THE LIFESAVER

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh, sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

WHY THE FIRST YEAR OF COLLEGE IS THE MOST EXPENSIVE!

Maybe "Condom Boy" can tell you!

DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL!

Why Male Elk Have Long Antlers

'It's a guy thing, regardless of species.'

Attention Dog Owners!

Please read!!!

If you are an owner of a dog that belongs to a 'dangerous breed'
category and you also have a child or a visiting small child
or grand child, please take this as a warning.

Don't leave your dog with a small child unattended
under any circumstances!!!

Only one little moment was enough for the
following to happen.



See the photo below...

Stolen from my good friend Marian!

WHY YOU BETTER BUY THOSE GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!

Girl Scout cookie sales aren't quite as sweet as usual this year. "Blame the sour economy!" Pre-order sales are the lowest that parent volunteers have seen in years. So, be ready to help out next season…or else!

BEWARE OF WHITE WOMEN

Two black guys are at a bar talking, one says to the other, "you ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, Your nose burns, and you get all teary-eyed?"

The second black guy says, "yeah, all the time."

The first guy says, "why is that?"

The second says, "I think it's the Pepper Spray."

YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT!

Here’s proof!

I'M CUTTING DOWN MY GARLIC CONSUMPTION!

SEX ON A DESERT ISLAND

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

You saw this one coming didn’t you…

So, they buried Susie.

CIRCLE FLIES

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush’s home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well Sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their President a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

THE DOCTOR'S ASSISTANT

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'

'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Ole, how was your day?'

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

‘Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the Doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!’

'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes!!'

THE TALIBAN AND THE JEW

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"Okay," said the old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

"Your frickin’ brother won't let me in without a tie!"

WHAT KIND OF DEAL WAS CASH FOR CLUNKERS?

A vehicle at 15 mpg and 12,000 miles per year uses 800 gallons a year of gasoline.

A vehicle at 25 mpg and 12,000 miles per year uses 480 gallons a year.

So, the average clunker transaction will reduce US gasoline consumption by 320 gallons per year.

They claim 700,000 vehicles – so that's 224 million gallons / year.

That equates to a bit over 5 million barrels of oil.

5 million barrels of oil is about ¼ of one day's US consumption.

And, 5 million barrels of oil costs about $375 million dollars at $75/bbl.

So, we all contributed to spending $3 billion to save $375 million.

How good a deal was that?

HOW THE WORLD WORKS LATELY

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are Brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to blame Bill Gates.

UGA IS MY BITCH!

The Hypnotist

Juvenile Minds presents "The Hypnotist". This original sketch comedy stars Leigh Ann Jernigan and Jason Benjamin as the couple seeking counseling and Curtis Willis as the delusional [and slightly effeminate] Doctor.

YOU'D THINK HE COULD AFFORD A BRA!

You would think that with all the money Andre Smith makes,
he could at least afford a good bra!

YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID!

"Sure Wish Somebody Would Invent Something To Keep the Sun Out of My Eyes."

THE LESBIANS BIRTHDAY GIFT

The lesbians next door to me gave me a Rolex for my birthday.

Very nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wan’na watch.

TVA RELEASES FOOTAGE COMPARING THE KINGSTON ASH SPILL AREA

Many local residents are still up in arms over the December 22, 2008 ash spill incident, claiming not enough is being done to clean up the damage the breach created. They have recently released this side-by-side aerial video comparison.

Footage Comparing December 22, 2008 with September 25, 2009

What do you think? Has there been progress or not? Will it be enough?

GUESS WHO'S BEEN SLEEPING AROUND

THE RIGHT THING TO DO IF YOU HAVE ANY OF THESE SYMTOMS

STAY YOUR ASS HOME!

IDENTIFYING FACIAL EXPRESSIONS

Can you identify these facial expressions?

If you are unable to identify the expressions, the answers are below.

They are getting ready to sneeze!

TO ALL THOSE 18-YEAR-OLD BLONDES THAT VOTED

In a Seattle, Washington college classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one blonde girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, these are the 18-year-olds that just voted for the President of the United States. These are our future leaders.

GOT'TA DOODY!

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while.”

Billy says: "I’m fine, mommy…I just haven't gone 'doody' yet."

Mother says: "Ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Billy says: "Works for ketchup."