KNOXVILLE HONORS LANE KIFFIN'S TIME AT UT

It's been just a couple of weeks since Lane Kiffin bolted Knoxville for USC after only one season. And for Vols fans, it's going to take a little more time to heal that wound. But instead of defacing rocks or Facebook pages in protest, one jilted Tennessee supporter is taking more lasting steps to guarantee Kiffin's name lives in infamy.

OBAMA FRETS OVER BROWN VICTORY

OLD TECHNOLOGY

Sorry...you'll have to click on it to enlarge it enough to read it!

PROBLEMS WITH THE NEW AIRPORT SCANNERS

HOW TO MEET THE LORD FASTER

UNIVERSAL LAWS

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.　

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle,always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

SNOWMAN FOOTBALL

WHO HAS SCREWED MORE - OBAMA OR TIGER

THE OLD WIFE GOES TO HEAVEN

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, 'Well......she's there.'

THE TIGER/SIMPSON CONSPIRACY

Come to think of it,
it's probably good O. J. isn't available for gigs right now!

AMERICANS ARE BEING FED SMALL DOSES OF SOCIALISM

"We cannot expect the Americans to jump from capitalism to Communism, but we can assist their elected leaders in giving Americans small doses of socialism until they suddenly awake to find they live under Communism."

- Soviet Leader Nikita Khrushchev, 1959

LET'S ALL FART "STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN" TOGETHER

To hear more CLICK HERE!

THE SUNDAY PAPER

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, shit, so that's why no one was at church."

WHY GUYS WEAR THEIR PANTS SO LOW!

Finally it's been explained!

TEST YOUR EYES

Do you need glasses?

Look carefully at the picture Below.

Did you see the ass of the girl in the back?

See below...


If you did, then have your Eyes checked as this is the shoulder of the girl in front of her...

My appointment is tomorrow at 1:30.

WELCOME TO TPA AIRLINES

WELCOME TO

TPA
(Terrorist-Proof Airlines)

We at TPA,
Terrorist-Proof Airlines, are in the flying business!

We can
absolutely guarantee no WALK-ON GUNS, KNIVES, BOX CUTTERS, SHOE-BOMBS or other weapons will ever be carried onto OUR FLIGHTS !

Book your next flight with TPA, the safest airline in the industry.

AND, if a
Muslim sees a naked woman he is

obliged to commit suicide

Lesbionics

1 . What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?

A: A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?

A: A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?

A: Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?

A: Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?

A: Fur Traders..

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?

A: Lickalotapuss.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long finger?

A: Well Hung.

8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?

A: She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?

A:Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

10. What do you call lesbian twins?

A:Lick-a-likes.

11. What's the definition of confusion?

A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?

A: One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.

13. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 Government workers?

A: 100 people that don't do dick.

Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.' T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.' Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good!

But the Chemist said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.' Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'

The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'Coffee Break, do your stuff.' Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers' Compensation, went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

AND THAT, MY FRIEND, IS WHY "HEALTH CARE" SHOULD NOT BE RUN BY THE GOVERNMENT!!

LANE KIFFIN AND TIGER WOODS TOO MUCH IN COMMON

THE BLONDE PASSWORD

During a recent password audit,
it was found that a blonde
was using the

following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When asked why such a long password, she said she
was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and
include at least one capital.

WE LIKE GUNS!

SO MUCH FUN!

FREE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

AN INDIAN AND HIS TALKING ANIMALS

A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Oklahoma Hills.

Cowboy: "Nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at the Indian)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie."

WHY WE DRINK

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

--Frank Sinatra

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

--Ernest Hemingway

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

--W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

--Henny Youngman

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

--Stephen Wright

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

--Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

--Dave Barry

BEER THOUGHTS - JACK HANDY

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

--by Jack Handy

HANG THOSE DEER HIGH!

If you deer hunt in a bear's territory, you better hang'em high, otherwise......all you may get to take home are the photos of what was once your's!

THE LAST MOTORCYCLE RIDE!

The wife bitched me out last night, for walking through the house with my boots on again. So I decided to jump on the bike and go for a quick spin, to cool down...

Boy, that pissed her off even more!!

WISDOM COMES WITH AGE

A guy is 74 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say a gain, 'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom!

THE UPS GUY

One Monday morning the UPS guy is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles..

"Wow. Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the UPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that's when we started playing "WHO AM I."

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play 'WHO AM I?'"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times."

The Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

　

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.. I'm a defective parrot.'

　

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

　

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird'

　

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this - how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'

　

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around thiswooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'

　

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'

　

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'

　

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

　

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!'

　

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

　

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational...

　

He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, hesympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

　

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over withone wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man.'

　

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.

　

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

　

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

　

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

　

'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'

　

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...'

　

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'

ARE TODAY'S CARS SAFER?

They may have built them with better back then, but it's obvious that they build them smarter today!

I'd still like to have that '59 Chevy!

LIFE IS A GIFT…OPEN IT!

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those people on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched' Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, 'How about going to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty, I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, it looks like rain’, and my personal favorite: 'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I plan on,' and 'someday, when things are settled down a bit.'

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now…go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to...not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I posted this.

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask, 'How are you?' Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow,’ and in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi'?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift...thrown away...life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.

DO IT THIS YEAR!

HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS AND GALS!