ALCOHOL MAKES GOOD FRIENDS!

If you need a friend, drink something!

NOTHING MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN A WARTHOG!

When you're surrounded by the enemy,
there's nothing more beautiful than a Warthog!

A THOUGHT TO BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY

When you are down in the dumps and think you have, just remember:



SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD, THERE IS A POOR BASTARD NAMED MR. PELOSI!

Bet you feel better now...huh!?

THE VIBRATING PREDATOR

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."

The second boy says, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says,

"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like a son-of-a-bitch!"

THE COWBOY BOOTS

An elderly couple, Margaret and John, moved to Texas. John always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, john stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "John, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, John yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, John. Shoulda bought a hat."

The Man Code

1. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
2. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
3. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.*
4. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party goers.
5. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
6. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
7. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
9. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
10. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
11. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.
12. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem you didn't see nothin'.
13. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
14. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless super model...and it's free.
15. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
17. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
18. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.
19. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
20. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay."
21. "Thou shall not rent the movie 'Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood'."
22. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

There, now...Everybody got it?

*I confess to breaking #3...who the hell likes Heineken!

A Traffic Test Question

Q: You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING FOR 2 MILES sign posted, and you come upon a bicycle rider. Do you:

(a) Follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles, or

(b) Do you break the law and pass?　

Which is the correct choice?

Scroll down...

A: Why take unnecessary risks and get a ticket?

GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO

A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello,are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

The difference between the North and the South

The North has Bloomingdale's, the South has Dollar General.

The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives; the South has .45's.

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH...

In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.

Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way.
All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper .

Be advised that 'He needed killin..' is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all watch this,' you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year old's own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mama's taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

THE SNOTTY RECEPTISTS

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.

DO THIS WITH YOUR CELLPHONE!




Caution: Cellphone pranks - could actually get your ass kicked!

SIGN THE PETITIONS SUPPORTING OUR NAVY SEALS!

Three Navy SEALs who have been criminally charged with allegedly assaulting one of the most sought after terrorists in Iraq while being detained. Ahmed Hashim Abed is the suspected mastermind of the capture, torture and mutilation of four Blackwater USA security guards whose charred bodies were drug through the streets of Iraq and then hung from a bridge in Fallujah over the Euphrates River in March of 2004. These horrific acts of terror quickly led to the U.S. invasion of Fallujah and ultimately wound up costing many more American lives.

For 5 years, Abed remained a highly sought after target in Iraq until his capture one night in early September, 2009. The details of that night are not quite clear, but one thing is for sure, some of our military's most elite (members of SEAL Team 10) went in and extricated Abed without one casualty. Shortly after Abed was turned over to Iraqi officials, according to Fox News, Abed, whom the military code-named ''Objective Amber'', told investigators he was punched by his captors and he had the bloody lip to prove it. Without hesitation, the SEALs were ordered to give statements and were investigated by the Naval Criminal Investigative Service (NCIS).

Trails are set for April and May of this year...act now to show your support! Click the link below now!

GO HERE AND SIGN ALL THREE PETITIONS NOW!

DOGGY DINNER

DON'T PLAY GOLF IN ARIZONA!

He fell backwards into the cactus. It took paramedics over 3 hours to pull the cactus off/out
before he could then get into an ambulance to go to the hospital!

BEST OF LUCK TO YA ON ST. PATTY'S DAY!

CLEANING UP THAT BATHROOM GRAFFITI

THE DESERTER AND THE NUN

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath, he asked "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier run by?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls ... I don't want to go to Iraq either."

AMAZING ONE WORD RIDDLE

Here is a brain teaser for you.

What if this was the only question on the exam to pass high school English and earn your diploma. Would you graduate?

What nine letter word in the English language is still a word when eight letters are removed one by one?

Take a few minutes to try and come up with a nine letter word that fits the bill, then watch this video...because you're never going to figure it out!

ONLY THE STRONG

The First Norwegian Icebreaker Heads Up the Mississippi

As you may have seen on the news, it's been very cold in Iowa, so cold in fact that we have borrowed a Norwegian Icebreaker from Minnesota to unclog the Mississippi starting over near Davenport and working its way north. Here is the first picture of it as it begins the hard work required to break up the ice.

The first Norwegian Icebreaker heads up the Mississippi.

IF WE'D JUST BE HONEST!

However, if we were,
then our trailers would probably be full of more than our toys!

THIS TAKES TREE HUGGING TO A WHOLE NEW LEVEL

How'd you think trees reproduced?!

BOUNCING BOOBS

God, could we use a bumpy road
and some live video right now!

Heck,
my imagination is almost as good!

HOW TO SELL YOUR FOOTBALL TICKETS!

Found in the classifieds prior to a Saints game:
My wife has stopped me from going to the games because of some of the people sitting close to us. I have 2 tickets on the 45 yard line for only $200!

GREAT ANSWER!

If you going to have sex with a married woman,
you'd better have a convincing story ready!

TAKING TECHNOLOGY TOO FAR

TWO MEDICAL STUDENTS AND THE OLD MAN

Take note...never jump to conclusions!　

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with hislegs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those peoplewalk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. Hewalks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one ofthe students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agreeon the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think its Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought... But you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought... But you are wrong."　

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"　

The old man said, "I thought it was a Fart. But I was wrong, too!"

DEAF SEX

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

She writes a note to her husband, "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife that if she wants to have sex with him, she should reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, to pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

404 ERROR BLUES!

Have you ever encountered a "404 error" while surfing? What happens is that you somehow land on a page that doesn't actually exist, usually via a spelling mistake in what you typed in as an address or perhaps because the page you were trying to visit was made inaccessible by the web administrator for one reason or another. Here's an example...

http://www.marketingmessages.com/suldogisagod

The Original Composition is by - Jim Sullivan

Go HERE to read his entire blog post about his idea to create the 404 Error Blues!

One Question IQ Test

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day...

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.

By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...













He opens his mouth and says. 'I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses.' If you got this wrong, please turn off your computer and call it a day.

I've got mine shutting down right now.

(You know you missed it too, so shut down your computer).

THE CATTLE RANCHER AND THE DEA OFFICER

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...

“Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"

SHOULD YOU KISS ON THE FIRST DATE?

This one never gets old...it's a classic!What do you have to lose? Go for it!