EVER GET THAT OVERWHELMED FEELING?

Well, you may have good reason!

NEW LOGOS FOR BP!

ORIGIN OF THE VUVUZELA

I found out where the Vuvuzela came from...


think of this next time you blow one!

BEFORE RADAR!

This is how air attacks were detected before the advent of radar, it was called "Acoustic Detection"!

Acoustic detection continued to be employed well after WW II. The Ground Observer Corps, a USA Fauxiliary comprised of civilian volunteers, used both sight and sound to note the passing of aircraft from a network of sites along the periphery of the United States in the 1950s. Those contacts were phoned in to regional coordination centers, where they were plotted and time correlated to establish tracks.

In the 1960s and 1970s, the Viet Cong and North Vietnamese used listening sites to detect American aircraft. In some cases they were nothing more than shaped pits in the ground with a listener sitting on a stool at the approximate focal point. Most, however, used mechanical devices functionally similar to the equipment illustrated above. These folks had figured out that passive detection techniques didn't cause Shrikes and Standard ARMs to come raining down on their heads!

The first Japanese attack on the fortress island of Corregidor (in the Philippines) on 29th December 1941was detected by American acoustic locators.

There are many more weird looking devices...Google to find more!

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..

6. Use extra poly-grip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want...the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

Oil Spill Damage in Southern Florida!

Damn it . . .This has gone too far!!

This picture shows the serious damage caused to the wildlife by the recent BP oil well blowout...

I'm headed there immediately! Hold my email!

I am volunteering right now to go down to the coast and help clean the wildlife with my own two hands. I'm all about helping the less fortunate.

THERE'S A BLANTANT DISREGARD FOR RULES IN THIS COUNTRY!

In spite of the no smoking law where food is being served,

just look how many cigarettes are in the ashtray in this restaurant.

Hey!

Look in the ashtray, the ashtray, the ashtray!

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

SOME FOLKS JUST HAVE TO BE DIFFERENT

Have a great day,
and remember to give thanks!Cats are so dramatic!

THAT LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

No matter what situations life throws at you...

No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem...

Remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

DRINKING PROVIDES THE SAME BENEFITS AS YOGA!

Research confirms that drinking gives you the same benefits yoga does!

Savasana
Position of total relaxation

Balasana
Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm


Setu Bandha Sarvangasana
This position calms the brain and heals tired legs.


Marjayasana
Position stimulates the midriff area and the spinal column.


Halasana
Excellent for back pain and insomnia.


Dolphin
Excellent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms.


Salambhasana
Great exercise to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms.


Ananda Balasana
This position is great for massaging the hip area.


Malasana
This position, for ankles and back muscles.

Pigeon
Tones the body, and builds flexibility and helps get rid of 'stress'.

So in the interest of healthy relaxation...let's start drinking!

CONDOM COMPLAINTS

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?”

He replied, ”No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

BLACK WOMEN WITH ONE WHITE AND ONE BLACK BOOB!

Black woman with one white boob and one black boob

...unbelievable...

photo of a woman with different colored boobs.

DA KAT WENT POOF!

SOME THINGS ARE EASIER TO COVER UP THAN OTHERS!

Okay, everyone on the right side look out the left side windows!
There's Air Force One!

GRAVEYARD MOURNING

How Fights Start...

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

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I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started.

************************************************************************

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started.

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.

********************************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.

************************************************************************

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started.

==============================================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started.

==============================================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' I said, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.

=============================================

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it...he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.

HOW MANY SUMMERS WILL WE LOSE BECAUSE OF BP?

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE US of A AND A MUSLIM COUNTRY

WHY DEMOCRATS SUPPORT ILLEGAL ALIENS

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.

Hillary Rodham

John F. Kerry

William J. Clinton

Howard Dean

Nancy Pelosi

Dianne Feinstein

Charles E. Schumer

Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE JUSTICE HERE?!

Food for thought:
Let's put the seniors in jail, and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks; they'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc. and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes, and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool, and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, P.J.'s, and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC, a TV, radio, and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone, and unsupervised; lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week; live in a tiny room, and pay $5000.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.

Justice for all.

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

DEFORESTATION IS ROUGH ON DOGS

TEXAS MOTORCYCLE SEAT

SOMETIMES YOU JUST CAN'T HOLD IT ALL IN!

Keep your eye on the drummer...he rocks!

IF ONLY THIS HAPPENED MORE OFTEN!

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'


Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

THE MISUNDERSTOOD OBJECTIVE

A man escapes from a prison and breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. I love you, too!"

HOW OLD IS OLD ENOUGH?

On a recent trip to the Outer Banks, I visited Awful Arthur's Oyster Bar. I soon became aware of a young fellow at the end of the bar playing the poker machine, and sipping what looked like an adult beverage. It took a couple of seconds and I realized what was so strange...how old is this kid?!

The photo is blurred to protect his identity!