Women Are Evil By Nature

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.  She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.  She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.  As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

 
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

 
"Actually, no," he replied.

 
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

 
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

 
"Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

 
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

 
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Barack Obama Dildo

Check out this baby: the Barack Obama shaped dildo you never knew you didn’t want!

This “Official Obama Pleasure Toy,” dubbed the “Head O State,” stands 7.5 inches tall, measures two inches in diameter, weighs 14 ounces, and a bunch of other specifications I do not wish to know how the manufacturers decided upon. I didn’t think that anyone could make Obama so unsexy, but it turns out anything is possible.

ALL THE ROCK STARS ARE GETTING OLDER

REDNECK VACATION

"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

 

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH

In the South --If you run your car into a ditch,don't panic.

Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store!!!

Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big 'ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that 'He needed killin' is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all, watch this,' you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain't gonna call 'em biscuits.

WILL THE DOLLAR FALL?

I present this to you because I know

you're interested in finance these days.


TO MY FINANCIALLY FOCUSED READERS

The Question of the Day is ...

Will the Dollar fall or not?

The Key to Financial Survival is to be a Tight Ass!

WIN SOME...LOSE SOME!

I lost the Trivia Contest at my local club last night by 1 point.

Not only did I get the last question wrong, but I was immediately asked to leave.

The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

Apparently the correct answer is Fiji.

Who knew?

TIGER ONLY DID WHAT HIS DADDY TOLD HIM

"Focus on golf...and screw everything else, Tiger!"
-the late Earl Woods-

CONSERVATIVE OR LIBERAL TEST

If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!

If a Conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a Liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a Conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a Liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a Conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a Liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a Conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A Liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a Conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

If a Conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A Liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.

If a Conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A Liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a Conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A Liberal will click through because he's "offended".

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

Then I would say, "It is dog shit. Wan’na buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

HANG IN THERE...IT'S WEDNESDAY ALREADY!

THE IRISH RECLINER

I came up with this years ago, but can't prove it!

THE TABBY TOTE!

The smart "cat carrier" transportation system for your cat!
NOTE: Not for dogs...'cause they don't claw your legs!

GOVERNMENT IS TOO BIG!

It seems strange, but our forefathers actually warned us about "big" Government from the beginning.

When did we stop listening to the lessons of history!?

Why do we insist on letting Democrats lead us astray?

AMERICA'S IMMIGRANTS - THEN AND NOW!

THEN...

...AND NOW!

THIS GENERAL IS A QUICK THINKER!

President Obama was having that one, lone brief conversation this year with General McChrystal about Afghanistan.

Things were obviously not going the way the General had hoped, and was obviously upset with the President. Obama could sense this, and told him, "I'll bet when I die, you'll piss on my grave."

To which General McChrystal answers, "No sir, I've always said that when I get out of the Army, I'll never stand in another line."

(This is unconfirmed – but I’ll bet he at least would think it! After all, he is one tough hombre; jogs 6 to 8 miles a day, eats one meal a day, and sleeps 4 hours a night.)

WEIRD AL'S TRIBUTE TO CHARLES NELSON REILLY

WATCH ME...ON MAD MEN!

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

LET'S OPEN UP A CAN-O-WHOOPASS!

THE HAPPY KOALA

A koala bear was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint...
When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"
The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the little bear where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explained that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree smoking a joint, but but got too stoned and fell into the river while drinking.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting and finishing his joint.
The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!"

So the koala looked down at him and said,
"Shiiiiiit dude...how much water did you drink!?"

TECHNOLOGY IS DANGEROUS IN THE WRONG HANDS!

BUSTED!

FOURTH VERSE OF THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER

There are actually four verses to our National Anthem, but because it gives God the praise for helping us win our freedom and making us great, they are rarely sung in public.

What a shame...'cause without HIM, we would be nothing!

A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait I thought!

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.

SO HOW'S YOUR DAY GOING?

A New, Updated, Dr. Seuss Book

I do not like this Uncle Sam, I do not like his health care scam.

I do not like these dirty crooks, or how they lie and cook the books.

I do not like when Congress steals, I do not like their secret deals.

I do not like this speaker, Nan, I do not like this 'YES WE CAN.'

I do not like this spending spree, I'm smart; I know that nothing's free.

I do not like your smug replies, when I complain about your lies. I do not like this kind of hope.

I do not like it, nope, nope, nope!

THE PERFECT PASSWORD

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Gracie Allen's Classic Roast Beef Recipe

I'm sending this to people who know who Gracie Allen was and to others who can simply appreciate a good recipe.

Gracie Allen's Classic Recipe for Roast Beef

1 large Roast of beef
1 small Roast of beef

Take the two roasts and put them in the oven.
When the little one burns, the big one is done!

COMMON SENSE DIES

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot... She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:

I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

ENJOY YOUR FREEDOM FILLED 4TH OF JULY!

IMPORTANT SAFETY MESSAGE FOR OLD GEEZERS

The older you get, the more important it is to protect your nose from the sun...

The Goldbergs

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, The Goldberg Air Conditioner on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

I can hear your groans from here. Control yourself!

TAILGATING IN TEXAS...

...means something entirely different!