Truths For Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How in the world are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

9. Bad decisions make good stories.

10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

12. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

13. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

14. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

15. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

16. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

17. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

18. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

19. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

20. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds,eyes closed, first time, every time!

21. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

AIRSHOW AIRCRAFT CRASHES INTO 4 BUILDINGS!

Brace yourself before looking at the attached image.  A pilot at low level has no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the airshow and slams into four buildings.

One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

 

UNDERSTANDING HEALTH CARE

Let me get this straight. We are "gifted" with a health care plan we are forced to purchase and fined if we don't, written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it, signed by a president who also  smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that's broke.

What the hell could possibly go wrong?

RUN AND TELL THAT, HOME BOY!

We got us a rapist up in Lincoln Park! 

Now, for the first time, hear the Lincoln Park rapist's side of the story. "'No what I'm sayin'!" CLICK HERE!

BABY PANDA SNEEZING HER MOM INTO A NEAR HEART ATTACK!

WTF!  I can't quit laughing at the momma Panda's legs flying up when the baby Panda sneezes! It precious and hilarious at the same time!

IT'S HARD TO HIDE TRUTH!

THE REAL MAN

A real man is a woman's best friend.  He will never stand her up and never let her down.  He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.

No wait... sorry...

I'm thinking of vodka.

It's vodka that does all that.

Never mind.

WHEN YOU'RE THE HAMMER, EVERYTHING LOOKS LIKE A NAIL!

CAN YOU BELIEVE A GUY LOST HIS JOB

OVER WRITING THIS TUNE?

CHECK OUT THE REST OF THE STORY HERE!

WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE YOUR ALLAH OR MY JESUS?

This is a true story and the author, Rick Mathes, is a well-known leader in prison ministry. The man who walks with God always gets to his destination. If you have a pulse you have a purpose.

The Muslim religion is the fastest growing religion per capita in the United States , especially in the minority races!

Last month I attended my annual training session that's required for maintaining my state prison security clearance. During the training session there was a presentation by three speakers representing the Roman Catholic, Protestant and Muslim faiths, who explained each of their beliefs.

I was particularly interested in what the Islamic Imam had to say. The Imam gave a great presentation of the basics of Islam, complete with a video.

After the presentations, time was provided for questions and answers.

When it was my turn, I directed my question to the Imam and asked: 'Please, correct me if I'm wrong, but I understand that most Imams and clerics of Islam have declared a holy jihad [Holy war] against the infidels of the world and, that by killing an infidel, (which is a command to all Muslims) they are assured of a place in heaven. If that's the case, can you give me the definition of an infidel?'

There was no disagreement with my statements and, without hesitation, he replied, 'Non-believers!'

I responded, 'So, let me make sure I have this straight. All followers of Allah have been commanded to kill everyone who is not of your faith so they can have a place in heaven. Is that correct?'

The expression on his face changed from one of authority and command to that of a little boy who had just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.' He sheepishly replied, 'Yes.'

I then stated, 'Well, sir, I have a real problem trying to imagine Pope John Paul commanding all Catholics to kill those of your faith or Dr. Stanley ordering all Protestants to do the same in order to guarantee them a place in heaven!'

The Imam was speechless!

I continued, 'I also have a problem with being your friend when you and your brother clerics are telling your followers to kill me!'

'Let me ask you a question: Would you rather have your Allah, who tells you to kill me in order for you to go to heaven, or my Jesus who tells me to love you because I am going to heaven and He wants you to be there with me?'

You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam hung his head in shame. Needless to say, the organizers and/or promoters of the Diversification training seminar were not happy with my way of dealing with the Islamic Imam, and exposing the truth about the Muslims' beliefs.

In twenty years there will be enough Muslim voters in the U.S. to elect the President!

I think everyone in the U.S. should be required to read this, but with ACLU, there is no way this will be widely publicized, unless each of us send it on! This is your chance to make a difference.

THE AMERICAN HAMAS FLAG

 

Thanks to Alan Knox

HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR POSTMAN TODAY?

ROLL OVER TIDE!

WHY SOME PEOPLE JUST CAN'T DROWN!

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

Advertising was my major in college, but I don't remember going over anything like this!  Maybe it's because it has a lot to do with common sense, and little basic knowledge of the world!

CONDOM HISTORY

A bit of history for you...

In 1872 the Kiwi’s invented the condom by using a sheep bladder.

In 1873 the Brit's refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep.

GO FLY A KITE

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, the Wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and said, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

ARE YOU READY FOR FOLK'S HOME?

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." 

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." 

"No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

BIKER SUICIDE

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.  "Well, what'cha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.  

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.  When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home.  I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing!  But enough about me, how's your day going?"

THE VOL FAN

There was a Tennessee Volunteer football fan with a really crappy seat at Shields Watkins Field.

Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line.  Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" 

The man replied, "This was my wife's seat.  She passed away.  She was a big VOL fan."

The other man replied, "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.  May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral.

REMEMBERING

BLEACHING YOUR ASSHOLE!

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.”

The second woman responded,“Oh, that’s nothing. I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!”

“Whoa,” replied the first woman, "I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”

SANDALS ARE GOOD FOR SEX

A married couple walked in to a sandal shop while on vacation in Jamaica.

The Jamaican sales person said to them, 'I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make

you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table,yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got dem on the wrong feet!’

THINGS ARE LOOKING UP FOR VIAGRA!

Even the shrubbery stands tall at Viagra HQ!

EXCUSE ME "TOWEL HEADS"

7 Kinds of Sex...

A recent Survey has determined that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
*This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
*This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
*This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
*This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
*Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
*This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
*You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

THE NEW VASECTOMY TREATMENT

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.

 
Before the procedure a rather attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him. Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to complete.

 
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man asks "What are they doing in there?"

 
The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."

NEW WAY TO TAME A LION

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

 

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

 

The girl says, "I'll go first."  She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

 

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

 

 He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

 

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem. Just get that lion out of there."

NO BAPTISTS WERE HARMED IN THE TELLING OF THIS JOKE!

ONLY A FARM KID

When you're from the country your perception is a little different.  

 

A local farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.  "Is your Dad home?"

 

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

 

"Well, is your Mother here?"

 

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

 

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

 

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

 

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

 

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message?" the boy said.

 

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant.” 

 

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

THE CLASS IF BACK!

COME ON YA'LL - BE A VOL!