THERE'S A SLUT IN EVERY CLASS

...and, they don't even try to hide!

BEST HOME SECURITY WARNING SIGN I'VE SEEN!

IT'S A TOUGH JOB, BUT SOMEBODY'S GOT TO DO IT!

This "superhero under support" bra is great!

THE PROBLEM WITH LAXATIVES...

THE BRAINLESS LAWYER

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
WITNESS:     No. 
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure? 
WITNESS:     No. 
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing? 
WITNESS:     No. 
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
WITNESS:     No. 
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

I WANT TO BE A TSA AGENT!

That is...until some fat ass dude comes along!

WHY CARRY A .45?

BETTER BE SAFE THAN SORRY

'Cause you never know who might be following you!

HUNTING WHITETAIL DEAR!

Deer season has started,

so I thought I'd better send out a reminder

about what a Whitetail looks like!

STEALTH HUNTING WITH MY SON

Yes, of course I'm acting, but the story really is true!

LET'S GET BACK TO BASICS!

PLEASE!!!

 

NO MORE POLITICAL E-MAILS!

NO MORE RELIGIOUS E-MAILS!

NO MORE CHAIN E-MAILS!

NO MORE FORWARDED LUCKY E-MAILS!

NO MORE DYING CHILD E-MAILS!

NO MORE WALKING IN ANYONE'S FOOTSTEPS E-MAILS!

NO MORE FUND RAISING E-MAILS!

We need to get back to what

 e-mail was designed 

for!

The US economy is so bad that...

You get a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
Order  a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
My ATM gave me an IOU!
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
Saw a Mormon polygamist with only one  wife.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and finally learned their children's names.
A truckload of Hillbilly Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
Motel 6 won't leave the light on anymore.
They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street."
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now share a room! UGHH!

DOES THIS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?

HOW DO YOU REACT TO A CAR ALARM?

WHY YOU DRINK

PEOPLE WHO FIND YOU ON FACEBOOK

THOSE QUIET PRESSURE RELIEVERS

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately, needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas, with the beat of the music.

 
After a couple of songs and a couple of nice, big pressure-relievers, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

 
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod!

  

...and how was your day?

WITH PHONICS, YOU CAN SAY ANYTHING!

My five-year old students are learning to read.  Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said...

"Look at this!  It's a frickin' elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked, "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant!  It says so right on the picture!"

And so it does ... just check it out for yourself, in the picture below!

  " A f r i c a n Elephant "

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

ALCOHOL IS BAD FOR MY LEGS!

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself.

 

Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'

 

Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.'

 

Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'

 

Maxine: 'No, they spread.'

Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.  At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.  

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.  Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.  Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'  Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'