VARIETY IS THE SPICE OF LIFE!

ANY REGRETS?

WHAT RELIGION ARE YOU?

THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.  They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school

So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.  One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us.  Will you baptize us?"

“Sure," said the janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.  Then he said, "You are now baptized!"

When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."

"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."

"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

They all joined in asking, “Yeah! What do you think that means?”

"I think it means we're Pisskopailians!"

The Purina Dog Chow Diet

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Champ, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an  elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt  and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

OUR GUY vs. THEIR GUY

Bottom line...we're screwed!

THE SECRET TO LONG LIFE

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING. THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED. HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15-FOOT DEEP CRATER WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

EVEN ANIMALS KNOW JESUS LOVES US ALL!

We should all have the good sense of this dog and curl up in Jesus' lap from time to time

MERRY CHRISTMAS YA'LL!

MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL YOU FUN LOVING FOLKS!

I hope Santa makes all your dreams come true this year!

DON'T FORGET TO MOON SOMEONE AT THE MALL THIS YEAR!

GENERAL PUBLIC NOTICE

"Please be advised I am sick to death of receiving questions about my dog who mauled 3 Muslims sitting on a rug next to my back wall, 6 illegal’s wearing Obama t-shirts, 4 Democrats wearing Pelosi t-shirts, 2 rappers, 5 phone operators who asked me to press #1 for English, 9 teenagers with their pants hanging down past their cracks, 8 customer service desk people speaking in broken English, 10 flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.

FOR THE LAST TIME;
THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!"

MEETING WOMEN THE EASY WAY!

I met a beautiful woman in the park the other evening...There was an instant spark between us and she fell at my feet.  

  

As we laid there, making love, I thought to myself, ''These tasers are well worth the money...''

SIERRA CLUB'S SOLUTION TO THE WESTERN COYOTE PROBLEM

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.  It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue.What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again.

This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally an old fellow in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here . . . these coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep . . . they're eatin' 'em!"

The meeting never really got back to order. . .

THE GINGERBREAD MAN HAS BEEN NAUGHTY THIS YEAR!

Stolen from a beautiful Goddess!

THE GUN PERMIT

A guy cruises through a stop sign, or whatever, and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop  his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit.  Are you carrying today?"
"Yes, I am." 

 

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket.  There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box.  And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

 
"Okay," the cop says.  "Anything else?" 

"Yeah well, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun.  That's about  it.”

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope." 

"Well then, what are you afraid of?" 

"Not a damn thing."

THE PROSTATE CHECK

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to a urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

 
The female doctor says "I'm going to check your prostate today but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.  I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say "99".

 
The old guy obeys and says '99'.

 
The doctor says "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, take a deep breath and say '99'."

 
Again, the old guy says '99'.

 
The doctor said "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say '99'."

 
The old guy begins "One ... two ... three ..."

 

We don't stop laughing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop laughing!

IS YOUR DOG A DEMOCRAT?

It just hit me!!   My dog  sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared  for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her  meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the Dr.  once a year for her checkup, and again during the year  if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing,  and nothing is required of her. She lives in a nice  neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she  needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she  makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her  choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these  accommodations absolutely free. She is living like  a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All  of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn  a living every day. I was just thinking about all this,  and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, 

   

My dog is a Democrat! 

ANIMALS SINGING "DECK THE HALLS"

OBAMA'S WORK IS DONE!

CAREFUL WHAT YOU LOOK FOR...YOU MIGHT FIND IT AND REGRET IT!

MAY HE POOP ON MY KNEES! HUH?

DICK BENDING

FOR YOUR SAFETY, EAT MORE PORK!

THE SOUND OF SPLAT ILLUSTRATED!

CHECK OUT THE NEW ATV I BOUGHT MYSELF FOR CHRISTMAS!

Old age ain't for sissy's!

HOW TO GRIP YOUR PLYWOOD

WHAT TASTES LIKE CHICKEN

EVER WONDER IF YOU'D KNOW WHEN YOU HIT ROCK BOTTOM?

Well, here's a hint!

PURE PROFILING BY THE TSA!

Just because Ablaa (perfectly formed) was wearing a burka, and refused the pat-down or body scan, the TSA asked her to remove her clothing.  Now that's just pure profiling if you ask me!

JUST IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS - EXPLAINING CAVITY SEARCH TO CHILDREN

This new book explains why the TSA is our friend!

YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN THAT BITCH-SLAP IS COMING!

LET'S THANK THOSE THAT MAKE US FREE!