NEW VIAGRA SLOGANS

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock !

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra , Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs

THE CUCKOO CLOCK

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.'

SOME THINGS TO PONDER

• I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
• I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
• There is great need for a sarcasm font.
• How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
• Was learning cursive really necessary?
• Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
• Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
• I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
• Bad decisions make good stories.
• You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
• Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
• I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
• I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
• I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
• I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
• I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
• I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
• How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
• I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
• Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
• Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
• Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cellphone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time
• The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

HOW ABOUT A GOOD THOUGHT!

Right now, I'm probably having surgery, 

so think of me and laugh a little today!

WHY SOME AREAS GET MORE RAIN THAN OTHERS!

Could it be that God appreciates a good looking weatherman!  

I'm just saying!

MATH HUMOR

SIZE DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU ARE HUNTING!

WE GOT TWO FEET OF SNOW!

Scary Article on Global Warming

You MUST to read this to the end.

The Washington Post

The Arctic Ocean is warming up, icebergs are growing scarcer, and in some places the seals are finding the water too hot, according to a report to the Commerce Department yesterday from Consulafft, at Bergen, Norway .  Reports from fishermen, seal hunters, and explorers all point to a radical change in climate conditions and hitherto unheard-of temperatures in the Arctic zone.  Exploration expeditions report that scarcely any ice has been met as far north as 81 degrees 29 minutes.

Soundings to a depth of 3,100 meters showed the gulf stream still very warm. Great masses of ice have been replaced by moraines of earth and stones, the report continued, while at many points well known glaciers have entirely disappeared.

Very few seals and no white fish are found in the eastern Arctic, while vast shoals of herring and smelts, which have never before ventured so far north, are being encountered in the old seal fishing grounds.

Within a few years it is predicted that, due to the ice melt, the sea will rise and make most coastal cities uninhabitable

Oops! Never mind. This report was from 89 years ago, as reported by the Associated Press and published in the Washington Post on November 2, 1922.

THE TIGER WOODS SCAM

I just got scammed out of $25!

I bought the Tiger Woods DVD "My Favorite 18 Holes", and, can you believe it, it was about golf!

Please tell all your friends so they won't get scammed too!

MY FAVORITE BEER COMMERCIAL

POLITICS AND GUNS DON'T MIX

As much as I hate politics and love guns, 

there is no way they go together!

Guns are for protection and fun,
not for any form of aggression!

THE SHOWER CADDY

LISTEN TO THE ANIMALS TALK!

WORLD'S GREATEST COMEDY DIVER!

THIS OLD WHORE HOUSE

ARMY ISSUE

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

 
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. 

 
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. 

 
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

HOG HUNTIN'...FLORIDA STYLE!

The trick is teaching them to let go of the hog once they've fetched it.

WHY MUST WE CONTINUE TO BE BOTHERED?

Zechariah 14 verse 12:

"And this shall be the plague wherewith the LORD will smite all the people that have fought against Jerusalem; Their flesh shall consume away while they stand upon their feet, and their eyes shall consume away in their holes, and their tongue shall consume away in their mouth."

TAKE THE GAVEL BITCH!

AIR BAGS CAN SAVE LIVES!

ARE YOU GOING TO KEEP THAT NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION?

THINGS WE LEARN WATCHING CSI

WHICH FINGER DO YOU USE MOST?

WHAT WOULD WOMEN DO WITHOUT THEIR SUPPORT BRAS

 

WHEN MEN COOK...

MY BLACKBERRY DOESN'T WORK

SAFE SEX CAN GO A LONG WAY IN REDUCING YOUR GROCERY BILL!

THERE ARE DAYS TO HUNT AND DAYS TO STAY HOME!

Yesterday morning was opening day of bow and arrow season for deer. 

As I approached my deer stand, I decided to go home and mow grass instead.

WHAT MAKES PECKERS HARDER?

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, "your pecker gets harder when you're away from home!"

TWEET/TEXT CODES FOR SENIORS

Since more and more seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).  

• ATD: At The Doctor's 
• BFF: Best Friend Farted 
• BTW: Bring The Wheelchair 
• BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth 
• CBM: Covered By Medicare 
• CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center 
• DWI: Driving While Incontinent 
• FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers 
• FWIW: Forgot Where I Was 
• FYI: Found Your Insulin 
• GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low! 
• GHA: Got Heartburn Again 
• HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement 
• IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On? 
• LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out 
• LOL: Living On Lipitor 
• OMMR: On My Massage Recliner 
• OMSG: Oh Migawd! Sorry, Gas. 
• ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up 
• SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop 
• TTYL: Talk To You Louder 
• WAITT: Who Am I Talking To? 
• WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again 
• WTP: Where's The Prunes? 
• WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)