BUMPER STICKERS FOR OLD PEOPLE

TOOTHBRUSH THERAPY

"WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS EGYPT THING!"

THOSE INGENIOUS REDNECKS

CANDIDATES FOR PARENTS OF THE YEAR 2011

The Blue Bird of Happiness

Come Join the Blue Bird of Happiness as Winter's End Nears...

 

BLUE BIRD OF HAPPINESS, MY ASS! 

It's friggin' freezing.  There's snow up my ass, all the food's covered with 3 feet of this white shit, and you want ME to sing?  What?  Anne Murray's "Snowbird"?  Kiss off!

  

Next year, I'm flyin' to Jamaica, and smoke dope!!

TAKE THAT, YOU DIRTY SPOON!

ARE YOU GUILTY OF BURNING THE CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS?!

FEW THINGS ARE BETTER THAN A SAMBONI WORKING THE ICE

But, I could be wrong!

RETIREMENT IN ALASKA

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.  Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.    

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.   

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.  He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.  

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'    

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'    

As Cliff is leaving, he stops.  'Gotta warn you.  Be some drinkin'.'  

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.   

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'   

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right!  I'll be there. Thanks again.'  

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too.'    

'Now that's really not a problem,' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?'      

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.’

WHEN ARE YOU TOO OLD TO DRIVE?

How do you know when it is time to "hang up the car keys"?

 
I WOULD SAY WHEN YOUR DOG HAS THIS LOOK ON HIS FACE!!

A picture is worth a thousand words isn't it!?

FIFTY BUCKS IS FIFTY BUCKS

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Ken would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Edna always replied, "I know, Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, "Edna, I'm 75 years old.  If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Edna replied, "Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet fort he entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you  a penny!  But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.  I'm impressed!"

Ken replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, 'Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'"

"IT BLEW THE SHITTER OUTTA THE BATHROOM"

You just have to invest 11 minutes into hearing 

Jimmy Ferris', hilariously funny "true", tale!

Texas Sheriff Entrance Exam

A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriffs Department was being interviewed.

The sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a Smith and Wesson 45 pistol across the desk, he says to the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six Meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" the man asked.

"That's the attitude we're looking for!" said the sergeant.

"When can you start?"

EVERYONE THINKS THEY ARE SENILE!

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally”. 

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars! 

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.” 

Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” 

Sally said, “No”. 

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.” 

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”. 

 

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.” 

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday...” 

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

NOTHING FUNNIER THAN A WAL-MART CUSTOMER 2

I think that triangle is a scratch-n-sniff. Go on, try it. 

Oh my!! It looks like Pirates of the Caribbean went horribly, horribly wrong!

If Mary here asks if you want to see the little lamb....run!

 New rule: If the hole in your jeans is big enough for me to put my hand into, then by golly that's what's going to happen.

Hmmmm, are there even words for this?

ANOTHER SCRATCH N SNIFF?

NOTHING FUNNIER THAN A WAL-MART CUSTOMER

Hershey’s has a new butterscotch chip! Now, somebody go get us a few barrels of cookie dough. 

Hearts, stars, and horseshoes, clovers, and blue moons, pots of gold, and rainbows, and even red balloons!  Unfortunately these “Lucky Charms” aren’t magically delicious. 

 

Why wouldn’t you wanna show off that grade-A caboose after all that toning you’ve put in with those ankle weights? 

Oh good, I was getting sick of seeing ass-cracks. I’m glad you decided to instead show us all your gutt-crack. It’s a pleasant change of scenery. 

I guess that’s why they call it the “Show-Me” state…Missouri!

Here's a sneak-peak at the goods!

Why does it look like you started to put on another shirt then got tired and just decided to say f*** it?  Also, your back looks like a frog’s face and that makes me happy. 

Oh, there were too many in the email I got to post here, but just go have a look yourself...don't forget your camera!

WHAT WILL A FANCY SPORTS CAR DO FOR YOU?

A question that is often asked of someone with a new car is "what will it do?".  The answer is usually something like "zero to 60 in 5.3 seconds" or something along those lines.

Well, meet the brand new 2011 "458 Italia" Ferrari...

 

HERE’S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE:

 And here's what it will do!

Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words?

1.     F_ _K

2.     PU_S_

3.     S_X    

4.     P_N_S   

5.     BOO_S

6.     _ _NDOM

Scroll down.. 

 

   

Answers:

1. FORK

2. PULSE

3. SIX

4. PANTS

5. BOOKS

6. RANDOM 

You got all 6 wrong...didn't you?

Well, you don't have Alzheimer's, but you are a pervert!

WHAT DOES "SERVICE" MEAN?

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

• Internal Revenue 'Service'
• U.S. Postal 'Service'
• Telephone 'Service'
• Cable TV 'Service'
• Civil 'Service'
• State, City, County & Public 'Service'
• Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

You are now as enlightened as I am!

DO YOU KNOW THIS COUPLE?

If you recognize them, tell them that I found their camera!

SOMETHING WORSE THAT GETTIN' YOUR TONGUE STUCK!

ARE YOU FREEZING YOUR ASS OFF?

It can happen!