WHAT'S CHEAPER THAN DRIVING?

THOUGHT MUCH ABOUT ETERNITY?

WHAT IS PRESIDENT'S DAY?

I was eating lunch today with my 10 year old grandson when his mom asked him, "What is tomorrow?"  

He said, "It's President's Day."

She asked "What does that mean?"  I was waiting for something profound.

He said, "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment."

I almost snorted my iced tea.

LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor.  Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.'

'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.  I don't see what the problem is.'

'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

PENSION SEX

Two men were talking.  'So, how's your sex life?' 

 
'Oh, nothing special.  I'm having Pension sex.' 

 
'Pension sex?'   

 'Yeah, you know; I get a little each  month, but not enough to live on!' 

BOOBS - A FLOATION DEVICE?!

WHAT'S THE PROBABILITY YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING WRONG?

PRINCE WILLIAM'S BACHELOR PARTY WILL BE A STRANGE ONE

…from Jimmy Fallon - referring to Prince William's bachelor party:

"It's got’ta be weird stuffing money into a stripper's bikini when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

Tennessee Declares War on the USA

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, Nashville, Tennessee, and I am callin' to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news!  How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers.  Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

“Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners."

TENNESSEE CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!

WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

NEW GAS GAUGES FOR THE ROUGH TIMES AHEAD!

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell!! They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
 

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win- win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

Afghan Kids ‘Play’ Suicide Bomber!

  Can You Believe This?

 

                  JUST THINK

 

Our Troops Are Dieing While Protecting These Little Shitheads

And Their Degenerate Parents

http://www.military.com/video/operations-and-strategy/afghanistan-conflict/afghan-kids-play-suicide-bomber/812748462001/ 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

GOD BLESS AMERICA

HAPPY ST. PATTY'S DAY YA'LL!

FLOWERS FOR ST. PADDY'S DAY

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.  She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.

She lies back on the  couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says, 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

REMEMBERING FRANK BUCKLES

U.S. Flag will be flown at half staff today (March 15). Why?

As a mark of respect for the memory of Army Corporal Frank W. Buckles, the last surviving American veteran of World War I, and in remembrance of the generation of American veterans of World War I, President Obama has ordered that the U.S. Flag be displayed at half-staff until sunset on the day of interment, March 15.

SHUT THE @!#& UP!

Males of every species

seem to have the same issue

with their female partners!

A photographer will die of old age waiting to get another shot like this one.

WHAT BRA SIZE LETTERS STAND FOR!

BEAVER DAMAGE CAPTURED ON FILM!

Most have seen tree damage done by beavers in the past, but this is the worst!

Unimaginable destructive capability of beavers captured on film...

 

Beavers, left unattended, can clear a forest in no time!

Urgent Beer Warning!

YOU GOT’TA LOVE A GOOD NURSE

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.  The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

 

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.

 

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, ''Get well soon. From the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.''

 

Kind’a brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

 

Have a Good DAY

WHY DON'T WE REALIZE WE'RE GETTING LOW ON OIL IN THIS COUNTRY?

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.

Well, there's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil!

We just didn't know we were getting low.  The reason for that is purely geographical.  Our OIL is located in:

ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
And
Texas
~~~

Our dipsticks are located in DC!

Any Questions? NO? Didn't think so.

THE LATEST IN EGYPTIAN RIOT GEAR - FASHION

These are makeshift helmets made by the Egyptians whilst scrapping in their current predicament.

 

The ‘Tri-bottle rag’ helmet – a must in any type of combat!

 

The ‘boxhat’! The bloke next to him doesn’t  appear too sure of its effectiveness .

 

 Textbook sauce panning with life jacket combo.

 This bloke is going to war with 2 baguettes strapped to his ears and a tuna salad roll cello-taped to his forehead.

I wish them the very best in their efforts to gain their democratic freedom!

IT'S SIMPLE...CHINA OWNS OUR AMERICAN ASSES!

THE HANDGUN ISSUE

I have dear friends on both sides of the handgun issue, those who believe easy access to hand guns is not good for this country and those who believe government has no business dictating ownership one way or the other.  I have gained valuable understanding from both arguments.  I have made my final decision.

Certain Americans, especially those who are more likely to become victims of crime, need to own and become proficient with handguns!

I can't discuss it further right now.  Gotta get back to the firing range...it's my turn to pick up the brass behind the shooting stations.

What is Senility?

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.  A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' 

The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

THE POOR BOX

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

 
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

 
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

 
The priest said, 'Rubbing is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.  For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
 

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

 
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

 
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

 
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Ya'll from South Alabama?

Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each! , shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each."

 
Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama."

 
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."

 
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama , ain't ya?"

 
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you knowed that?"

 
"Because this is a dry cleaners!"

MUSCULAR CONTRACTIONS

A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class!