Big Game Hunter

A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle."

He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle." He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?" 

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties and then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

WHAT TO SAY TO A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS

I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:

"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

I said, "Come in and sit down."

I offered him a drink and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the shit out of me, I've never gotten this far before."

DRUNK DRIVING!

I went out with some friends last night and tied one on. Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before; I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely, which seemed really surprising as I had never driven a bus before.

GOD BURNS DOWN A BAR?

ONLY IN TEXAS...

Texas Beer Joint Sues Church In Mt.Vernon, Texas. Drummond's Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground!

After the bar burning to the ground by a lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer", until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church . . ."was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and  the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not."

REDNECKS MEET ONE OF THEIR OWN

A guy walks into a bar in Tennessee and orders a white wine.

All the rednecks sitting around the bar look up, expecting  to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist?  You drive a taxi?"

"No," says the Canadian. "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi; I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

YOU MAY BE A MUSLIM IF...

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

1.. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim
2.. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
You may be a Muslim
3.. You have more wives than teeth.
You may be a Muslim
4.. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
You may be a Muslim
5.. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim
6.. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
You may be a Muslim
7.. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You may be a Muslim
8.. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Muslim
9.. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You may be a Muslim
10. Your cousin is president of the United States .
You may be a Muslim
11. You find this offensive or racist.
You may be a Muslim

NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOUR LIPSTICK!

Why would you even ask me that?

I am so insulted!

Every time something goes missing around here, everybody looks at me!

WANTED FOR ROBERY - BIG OIL CORPORATIONS

Actually, it's the environmentalists that keep us bent over the oil barrel!

BLAME IT ALL ON ENVIRONMENTALISTS!

We have what we need right here in America, but we'd rather sacrifice our sons and daughters for foreign oil.  Right!?

SAVE YOUR TAX REFUND FOR GAS!

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE THE BIG DOG, DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE IN CHARGE!

WHY DOGS BITE THEIR OWNERS!

A MESSAGE FOR MUAMMAR GADDAFI FROM THE BRITISH AIR FORCE

If you don't understand the message...try squinting!

WHAT'S WRONG IN AMERICA? THIS!

THE CROWD AWAITS THE UNVEILING OF THE OBAMA STATUE!

RESTAURANTS YOU MAY WANT TO AVOID!

AHHHHH...SUMMERTIME!

Nothing like the thought of sunshine,

a backyard BBQ, 

 a cold beer,

and maybe a SEXY blonde

doing the cooking !

 Well...three out of four ain't bad!

Have a Super Summer Anyway!

GUY WALKS INTO A BAR...

John walks into a bar and sees Brian sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. John says, 'Brian, what are you so happy for?'

'Well John, I gotta tell ya.. Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me ... boobs out to here, John. Boobs out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat'? I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, John. I turned off the key and I said' It's either screw or swim! She couldn't swim, John. She couldn't swim!"

The next day John walks into a bar and sees Brian sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face.

John says, 'What are you happy about today Brian?' 

 

'Well John.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...boobs out to here, John. Boobs out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, John. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, John! She couldn't swim!'

A couple days pass and John walks into a bar and sees Brian cryin over a beer.
 
John says, 'Brian, what are you so sad for?'
 

'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya .... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most gorgeous brunette came up to me ...boobs WAY out to here, John. Boobs WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat. So I took her way out, John, way WAY out.... Much further than the last two I turned off the key, and looked at those boobs and said 'It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and...She had a pecker, JOHN!  She had this great BIG pecker ... out to here, John! And I can't swim, JOHN! I can't swim!"

LITTLE JOHNNY TEACHES A MORAL

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight!"

 

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. 

 

Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Dave used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

 

Moral*: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt. HA! HA! HA!

THE DISHES

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gon’na rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' (true story)

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. 

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.  When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. and in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks...dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.  So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom...'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming...But still...total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted...'I'll do the damn dishes!!'

THE DEAF BOOKKEEPER

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf.  That was the reason he got the job in the first place.  It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.  The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just LOVE lawyers?!  Brings tears to your eyes!

WHY THE CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD

...and that my friends, is why the chicken crossed the road!

How To Properly Handle A Drunk

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue...

Doctor:  "What happened?"

Woman:  "Doctor, I don't know what to do.  Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor:  "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman:  "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor:  "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Practical, Cheap, Radiation Detection Device

With all the fear of radiation fallout from Japan, I thought it might be useful to tell you about a cheap, effective, homemade radiation tester you can easily assemble and rely upon. 

Just follow these simple instructions:

TAKE A BAG OF ORVILLE REDENBACHER MICROWAVE POPCORN, LEAVE IT ON YOUR KITCHEN COUNTER. 

IF IT STARTS POPPING, YOU'RE SCREWED!

See? It's not just used for fire detection any more.

THE MORAL TO THE STORY IS...

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

 
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuffspilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.  She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.  She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.  She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Mommy when she's been drinking!"

Sheer Nightgowns Can Be Fatal

A husband walks into Victoria ’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea ... it's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Tree Rats Can Learn

This takes place in deepest East Texas near Lovelady. The owner of the yard added each piece of the Rube Goldberg contraption slowly so that when the squirrel learned one section and got the nuts, they added another section. Finally, it ended with what you see on the video! It took place over two-weeks to get to this point. Darn, those East Texas squirrels are something else.

Earthquakes Explained

It might be well to be a bit knowledgeable about earthquakes in case someone asks or wants to know more about them, especially in view of recent events. I found this explanation easy to understand. 

 

What's the difference between an oscillatory and a trepidatory earthquake?

 

1. This calculation is just for engineers:

 

2. And this one is for those ignorant - like you and me:

This is a trepidatory earthquake: 

 

This is an oscillatory earthquake: 

 

And this is a combination of both: (trepidatory and oscillatory)

 

Science is beautiful when it is well explained...

A DESPERATE SITUATION CALLS FOR DESPERATE MEASURES!

A man finishes his business in a stall at work and finds there is no toilet paper left.  So he asks the guy in the next stall, "Do you have any extra paper over there?" 

His coworker replied, "No, just barely enough for me."

The other guy said, "Well, I can tell you're reading a newspaper, can you let me have a section of your paper?" 

The co-worker replied, "Well, I would but I borrowed it from someone else so I really can't." 

Finally and apparently in desperation the other guy says, "Well, do you have change for a ten?"

YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE...

  

You go off on a vacation, leave the toilet running,

and flood the whole world!