SALLY'S GREAT DAY AT SCHOOL!

Kids say (write) the darnedest things!

Compliments of The Goddess!

A FARMER'S PEACHES

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

 

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"

 

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye. 

 

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"

 

The farmer said, "Yes," and a tear came from the other eye.

 

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

 

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

 

She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

 

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, I voted for Obama and now I think I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches...”

THINGS SOMETIMES AREN'T AS THEY SEEM!

Dirt Devil-The Exorcist from MrPrice2U on Vimeo.

UNFORTUNATELY, WE'RE STILL IN KANSAS!

Today, if Dorothy were to encounter

men with no brains, no hearts,

and no balls,
she wouldn't be in Oz.

 

She'd be in Congress!

Broke Back Mountain Lady

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the

rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."  Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

I HAVE A QUESTION...

Nagasaki 1945,

after the atomic bomb

Nagasaki 2011,

following earthquake and tsunami

 What the hell is that arch thing made of!?

WHY EXERCISE?

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing, yet lives for 450 years.

AND...YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE?

AIRPORT SCANNERS

I am doing a lot of traveling lately and I don't know about you but I hate these new things.

Here's a report on the effectiveness of the new see-through-clothing screening techniques at airports.

Year-to-date statistics on Airport screening from  the Department of Homeland Security:

Terrorist Plots Discovered      0
Transvestites        133
Hernias              1,485
Hemorrhoids      3,172
Enlarged Prostates      8,249
Breast Implants    59,350
Natural Blonds              3

ANYBODY WANT A DOG?

My house was broken into last night by two robbers who locked me in the bathroom, and proceeded to steal all they could carry. My watchdog, "Killer", did not alert me, and for this reason I am giving him away. I no longer want a dog - I´m installing an electric fence and detection devices with alarms. They´re cheaper and more reliable. For those interested in adopting the dog please send an e-mail urgently.

A photo of "Killer" is attached below.

He does have a few problems but with help he should be ok!! He can be a lot of fun.

THE WEIGHT AT McDONALD'S

A chubby girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time.  She said, 'Sorry about the wait.' 

I said, 'Don't worry honey, you're bound to lose it eventually.'

WILL POWER!

I had just come out of the store with two porterhouse steaks, a jumbo sausage, a bag of chips, and a 6-pack of beer.  A homeless man sat there and said, "I haven't eaten for two days."  

I told him, "I wish I had your will power."

A RECENT MUSLIM CONVERSION

It was announced today that Buckwheat, of "Our Gang" fame, has converted to the Muslim faith and changed his name to Kareem of Wheat.

I just hope he doesn't become a cereal killer!

ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION IS NOT GOOD FOR AMERICA

NOW WHO'S A MORON?!

THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her, "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."

She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says, "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?" says the hippie.

"Yeah!" say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray,so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powderstuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
 

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on thenext Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.

"Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. "Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!"

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

Paddy said, 'I'm gonna do that when I win lottery.'

'What's dat,'' says his mate.

'Send me lawn away to be cut,' says Paddy.

DAD MEETS NEW BOYFRIEND

My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters."

Then she said, "Sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house.”

Then she said, "Disown me and never talk to me again. And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother."

Well, she didn't put it quite like that...she actually said, "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."

OLD AGE AIN'T FOR SISSIES!

RIDING LAWN MOWER FOR SALE!

FOR SALE!

My Wife always wanted a riding lawn mower. She works all day and was always tired when she came home from work so I thought, ‘Hey why not, a riding lawn mower will help her get the yard work done quicker so she’ll have more time for the chores inside the house!’

Being the handy sort of guy that I am and always frugal with my money, I simply made her a riding lawn mower from things I had laying around the house.

Well, I guess I thought she would squeal with delight when she saw all the hard work I had put into her new handy, dandy tool or at least give me a big hug or something!

But NOPE! It just wasn’t meant to be I guess!

To this day I have never been able to understand...

why some women are so damn hard to please!

A BLONDE GETS LICKED!

A blonde orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

 

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!

He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?'

'Duh,' says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'

SENIOR SWIMSUIT ISSUES

RACISM EXPLAINED

CAUTION: EXTREME LANGUAGE!

...but, funny as hell!

GREAT MOVIE IDEAS

FAMOUS SPORTS QUOTES

"I'm working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect." -- Doug Sanders, professional golfer

 

"All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives 'See, there's a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.'" -- Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers pitcher

 

"Last year we couldn't win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn't think of any place else to play." -- Harry Neale, professional hockey coach

 

"When it's third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers; I'll take the whiskey drinkers every time." -- Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver

 

"I found out that it's not good to talk about ones troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don't care and the other twenty percent are glad you're having them." -- Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager

 

"My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget." -- E. J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations

 

"My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't as good." -- Vic Braden, tennis instructor

 

"Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch." -- Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver

 

"When they operated, I told them to put in a Koufax fastball. They did - but it was Mrs. Koufax's." -- Tommy John NY Yankees recalling his 1974 arm surgery

 

"I don't know. I only played there for nine years." -- Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles

 

"We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost." -- John Breen, Houston Oilers

 

"The film looks suspiciously like the game itself." -- Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints after viewing a lop-sided loss to the Atlanta Falcons

 

"When I'm on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo." -- Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher

 

"The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday." -- Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach

 

"I have discovered, in twenty years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats." -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner

 

"Because if it didn't work out, I didn't want to blow the whole day." -- Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.

 

"I have a lifetime contract. That means I can't be fired during the third quarter if we're ahead and moving the ball." -- Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach

 

"I won't know until my barber tells me on Monday." -- Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game

 

"I tell him 'Attaway to hit, George.'" -- Jim Frey, KC Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting

 

"I learned a long time ago that "minor surgery" is when they do the operation on someone else, not you." -- Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers

 

"Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash." -- George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores

LOST PARROT

I caught a stray parrot on my porch this morning.  All he says is, "Good morning you old fart."  ... Is it yours??

THE PREACHER AND THE LAWN MOWER

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.  'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.

'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, 'Will you take my bike in trade for it?'

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'

The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.'

The preacher said, 'I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.'

The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope...it'll come back to ya!!'

THE ELEVENTH COMMANDMENT

In honor of Arnold Schwarzenegger, a new commandment has been created.

Be sure to write this one in underneath the other ten:

"Thou Shalt Not Share Thy Rod With Thy Staff."

MANUAL ON WOMEN JUST OUT!

I don’t know about you but I’ve been waiting on this for quite a while. We should probably start a study group, expecially since the owners manual on female humans just came out!

And that's just volume one!

LATE NIGHT OSAMA JOKES...

"The death of Osama bin Laden last Sunday has apparently damaged our relationship with al Qaeda. Al Qaeda has released a statement vowing to make America pay for bin Laden's death. Which - I'm pretty sure we did. We paid for the whole thing and even took care of the funeral arrangements. Maybe a thank you would be nice." Jimmy Kimmel

"Osama Bin Laden's supporters want to rename the Arabian Sea where his body was dumped Martyr Sea. Really? Martyr Sea ? Hiding in your bedroom for six years? How about Chicken of the Sea?" - Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden is in the ocean. How ironic. Once again surrounded by seals." - Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden had money and telephone numbers sewn into his clothes. Apparently we got him just as he was on his way to summer camp." -  Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftist stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim." - Craig Ferguson

"How about those Navy Seals. We're getting our money's worth there. They broke into Osama bin Laden's compound with 12-foot walls topped by barbed wire, and fired a warning shot into his head."  - David Letterman

"Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U.S. I don't understand why they're so upset. Everyone in Al Qaeda just got a promotion."  - Craig Ferguson

"Bin Laden was buried at sea. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, 'the ultimate water boarding.'" -  Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face. It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved."  - Jay Leno

"Bin Laden lived in this compound in Pakistan with all of his wives for 6 years. So he did suffer."  - David Letterman

"Bin Laden's wives didn't have it so bad. After seeing pictures of the inside of the compound, it doesn't look like any of them EVER had to do any housework".  - Jay Leno

MESSAGE TO OBAMA FROM NETANYAHU

Dear President Obama:

I am writing today with a somewhat unusual request. First and foremost, I will be asking that you return America to its August 20th, 1959 borders so that Hawaii is no longer a state and you are no longer a citizen.

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu