Origins of the Left & Right!

I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called the "right" and Liberals are called the "left". 

This verse in the Bible explains it:

The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left .  Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV)

Thus sayeth the Lord.  Amen.

AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR PRESIDENT

"I LOVE YOU SO MUCH..."

An old woman is sipping on a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband. She suddenly blurts out—
 

"I love you so much, I don't know I could ever live without you."

He husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me.  Talking to the wine."

Biking Doggy Style

How often do you suppose this guy gets pulled over?

BREAKING THE BARRIER

Direct Quote from "Larry the Cable Guy"

"Even after the Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a large number of people implying with bad jokes that Cajuns aren’t smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. 

Anybody that would build a city 5 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats that can't swim is a genius".

SOMETIMES KNOWING MATH CAN BE COUNTERPRODUCTIVE!

Proof that you can't underestimate the creativeness of boys for mischief.

Considering all the brilliant, devious minds we had in high school, I don't know how we missed doing this.

At a high school in Saskatchewan, a group of students played a prank ... they let three goats loose inside the school.

But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, and 4.

School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3!

DIGITAL TOILET PAPER?!

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Obama is one.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women..
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it? 

  

The answer is: 'A Last Name.' You didn't think I'd post a dirty joke, did you?

HOW TO PROMOTE TOLERANCE

Tolerance I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Sydney . I think it should be the goal of every Australian to be tolerant. Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance. That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot." Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called " Iraq o' Ribs." Across the street there could be a lingerie store called " Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods. Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered." All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.

SOMETIMES YOU'D RATHER JUST EAT THAN HAVE SEX!

This African spurred tortoise female just seems more interested in the food than what her boyfriend is up to!  At least she's not counting the spots on the ceiling!

WATER IS GOOD FOR YOU!

One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University study: Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer. Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day? (No kidding, all of the above are true....) Of course, too much water may have strange side effects...

But, don't get carried away!

THE BEAR THAT GOT LAID!

It took the male bear, in the photos below, just ten minutes to pick up a lady Bear, invite her to dinner, feed her a terrific meal and get laid.

 Is this guy good or what?!

HE IS A LEGEND!

WATER TO WINE

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord ! He's done it again !'

A PRAYER ANSWERED

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

GOODBYE TO AMERICA'S SPACE PROGRAM!

EVER HAD ONE WINK AT YOU?!

ONE BIG ASS BALLOON!

The Political Flow Chart

When top level guys look down, they see only shitheads;

When bottom level guys look up, they see

only assholes.

Coffee and Testicles...

A guy goes to the GA DOT office to apply for a job. The  interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?" "This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

THE PUPPET MASTER

HILlARY IS WATCHING YOU BILL!

OBAMA OUTSOURCES

IN THE DOG HOUSE NOW...

THIS IS A RECESSION PROOF COMPONENT OF THE CONSTRUCTION INDEX:

 New construction planned for the Weiner Home!

A WEINER LIMERICK!

There once was a pervert named Weiner
Who had a sarcastic demeanor
Forced from the Hill
For acting like Bill
Now Congress is one weiner leaner!

I LOVE A GOOD ROMANCE NOVEL

Apparently Mills & Boon are the UK equivalent of the Harlequin Romance books sold at the grocery store.

An extract from Mills & Boon's latest novel.... With writing like this, there really is no need for pictures....

"We met in a secluded field, the sun almost kissing the horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent, that only those fortunate to live outside the urban rat race know, and the quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked. I knew that I had to have her, and have her now.

Without a word being spoken, I moved into a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for, as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.

Then, as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind, and abandoned ourselves to the moment.

Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair, every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.

As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable, mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer.

Finally, the moment that we had been building towards was upon us, and passed all too quickly.

Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassurance of how good she had been.

She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear, then whispered ""Baaaaaaaa"" and re-joined the flock."

This novel is only for sale in New Zealand, Wales, and certain parts of Aberdeenshire.

FLOODS HURT MORE THAN PEOPLE

Deer huddle on the front porch of this farm

as the Missouri River rises!

Remember them too!

AS HARD AS BILL TRIED...

He could not escape Glinda's hold on him!

IS WATER TORTURE WRONG?

This is rough, but if it saves one life, I'm for it! 

 Is water torture necessary...you tell me!

THE ONLY WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE...

...Is balls out!

TWO CHICKS WITH ONE PIG

It never ceases to amaze me

how one pig can end up with two chicks!