LITTLE GIRL JOINS DOG PACK!

BEST GOLF HEADLINE OF THE YEAR!

JOE GOES DOWN!

The Best Investment Advice Going

I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying.

He said, "If the current administration is in office much longer, canned goods and ammunition are your best bets."

This was written by someone as a joke, however, it's very sound advice!  Should the economy collapse, bullets will be as good as gold!

ONE AMERICAN BUSINESS THAT WANTS AL QAEDA'S BUSINESS

This sign was prominently displayed in front of a business in Florida and you are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory sign.

However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps one of our greatest liberties.

And after all, it is only a sign, right?

You may ask: “What kind of business would dare post such a sign?”

 

Answer: A Funeral Home!

THE HYPNOTIST AT THE SENIOR CENTER

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the the chain broke, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude was never invited back to entertain.

DOG BENEFITS

Went down this morning to the Job Center to sign my dog on. 

The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit." 

I explained to her that my dog is black, unemployed, idle, can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is. 

She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. 

He gets his first check on Friday.   Damn this is a great country.

AND NOW NEWS FROM KENTUCKY!

HAZARD, KY: 

A Hyden man was admitted to ARH Hospital, with six plastic horses up his anus ... Doctors described his condition as stable.

 

Much thanks to Mark Steel!

WHERE'D YOU HIDE THE CAT?!

JUST CARRY ON WITHOUT ME!

THE DANGERS OF BEING A DRUG DOG

FACE IT, DOGS ARE JUST FASTER THAN MAN

SO WHY DID THE COPS PULL THIS MOTORCYCLE OVER?

You guess it...she took her helmet off!

A REPUBLICAN FINALLY ADMITS THE DEMOCRAT WAS RIGHT

You WERE right! I should have settled for a blow job!

TEACHING MATH

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine..." 

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" 

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." 

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. 

"Yes," he answered. 

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." 

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the Son Of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

HOW TO TAKE YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW CAMPING

This double rig is perfect for mother-in-laws, and/or the kids.  You can camp in peace and quiet!

CRUICAL ADVICE FROM OUR ANCESTORS

Thanks Granddad for passing on what you learned the hard way!

THE NORDAKOTA COW

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

 

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls...the cow farts. Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then he reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and takes it home.

 

When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'

 

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?'

 

Ole is very surprised since he had not told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how'd yah know?'

 

Sven says, 'My wife's from Nordakota!'

NEW SOUTH AMERICAN AIRLINE BEGINS SERVICE

BORDER PATROL FUN?

THE IMPORTANCE OF CAPITALIZATION

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capitalization.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement..."Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

A THOUGHT FOR THE OFFICE

OFFICE TIP OF THE WEEK!

HUSBAND DAY CARE CENTER

HOW TO PROTECT YOUR WIFE FROM MUSLIM MOLESTATION

A simple tattoo will protect all your female loved ones!

THE OFFICE COOLER

Our Local Biker Bar

I was at your house the other day and was told you were down at your favorite biker bar with some friends. I wasn't sure where that was, but was told I wouldn't have much trouble finding it. Sure enough, I drove just a couple of blocks and there it was...

There is nothing like the feel of the sun on your face and the wind in your hair, is there?

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind and today I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Just because I'm blond doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year; that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

"Helllooooo? It's been a year!" I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like a complete idiot.

CAN YOUR PECKER TOUCH YOUR ASS?

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler the little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?'

Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?' 

The little boy answered : 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'.

Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'. 

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?' 

Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?' 

Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'.

Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'. 

A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies. 

Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?' 

The boy asks, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

Laughing, Gramps replies, 'Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass'. 

The little boy replies, 'Then go fuck yourself'. Grandma made these for me'.

SOUTHERNERS HAVE A WAY WITH WORDS

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them awhile."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

CONGRESS NEVER LEARNS FROM HISTORY!

This cartoon was published in the Chicago Tribune back in 1934, and concerns government over spending!  You would think people would learn from past mistakes, but government, and people, never change.

The Pilot and the Priest

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'

 
The guy replies, 'I'm John, retired airline pilot from California.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'  

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.'

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?'

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'