From one pumpkin to another!

A woman was asked by a coworker, "What is it like to be a Christian?"

The coworker replied, "It is like being a pumpkin. God picks you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off of you. Then He cuts the top off and scoops out all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, and greed. Then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see." 

This was passed on to me by another pumpkin. Now it's your turn to pass it to other pumpkins. 

I liked this enough to send it to all the pumpkins in my patch.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO YOU TOO!

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished... Naturally (since he was her husband).
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

"Did you dance much ?"

"You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."

HALLOWEEN TIPS FOR SENIORS

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You keep knocking on your own front door.

9. You remove your false teeth to change your appearance.

8. You ask for soft high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,

and you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say: 'Great Boris Karloff Mask,'
And you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, 'Trick or...'

And you can't remember the rest.


4. By the end of the night,

you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that doesn't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the

neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go

Trick Or Treating...
*
*
*
1. You keep having to go home to pee.

No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN anyway.

The Candy With The Little Hole

The teacher asked the children to identify the flavors of Life Savers by their color:

Red.....................Cherry 

Yellow.................Lemon 

Green.................Lime 

Orange ..............Orange

 
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY Lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your Mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh my God! They're ass-holes!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

A COWBOY NAMED FRED

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater.  When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, “sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” 

The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge.  The usher became more impatient.  “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”

Once again, the cowboy just groaned.  The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them  tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.  The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “all right buddy what’s your name?”

“Fred,” the cowboy moaned.
“Where ya from, Fred?” asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, “the balcony…”

HOW TO END THE DEFICIT IN 5 MINUTES!

Warren Buffett, in a recent interview with CNBC, offers one of the best quotes about the debt ceiling:

"I could end the deficit in 5 minutes," he told CNBC. "You just pass a law that says that anytime there is a deficit of more than 3% of GDP, all sitting members of Congress are ineligible for re-election."

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED AT STONEHENGE!

THE HEART ATTACK

A blonde gets home from work early and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" she asks. "I think I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.  The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mummy, Mummy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe and she has no clothes on." The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door, and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.  "You rotten Bitch," she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!"

STOP BEING PART OF THE 99% - WORK!

SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT BIG BOY!

TRYING TO ATTRACT HER!

Paddy is passing by Mick's barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Eddie doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right rubber boot, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

'What on earth are you doing Mick,' says Paddy

'Jayzuz Paddy, ye frightened the livin' shite out of me,' says an obviously embarrassed Eddie. 'Me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.'

WHAT IS INEPTOCRACY?

Ineptocracy (in-ep-toc’-ra-cy) - a system of government whereby the least capable to lead are elected by the least capable of producing, and whereby the members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers.

WHIP OFF TO A FINER PHYSIQUE

For better self-sex, get the Tug Toner today!

WALL STREET PROTESTORS OR REJECTS FROM THE JAY LENO SHOW?

BEWARE OF THE GRANNIES WITH GUNS!

And finally, the Queen Mum packing!

SOME FAIRIES ARE MORE DANGEROUS THAN OTHERS!

THE MEASURE OF TRUE FRIENDSHIP

THE TWO WOLVES INSIDE US ALL

DISGUSTING OVERDOSE PHOTOS!

SO YOU WANT TO TAKE GOD OUT OF EVERYTHING?

A REAL OUTDOORSMAN!

I told my friend:  "This morning I waded across a raging river, escaped from a bear in the woods, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and climbed up a cactus!"

My friend said, "You must be one awesome outdoorsman!"

I replied , "No, I'm just a really lousy golfer."

BEST DAMN NAVIGATOR I EVER HAD!

WOOF!

IS FACEBOOK GOING TO START CHARGING ME?

The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.  His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence
that Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

IT'S TIME FOR AMERICA TO TURN FROM HER WICKED WAYS!

2 Chronicles 7:14 in God's Word, He states:

 
"If my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land."

 
I am convinced that we (Americans) must pray for our nation and its leaders.

THE MIRACLE OF PLASTIC SURGERY

A LITTLE BOOBY GIGGLE FOR YA!