Those Pesky Children!

KEEPING UP WITH THE JONES'

Here's a quick economic tip on how to keep up with the Jones' on your block this Christmas...on the cheap!

PLEASE HELP THE NEEDY CHILDREN!

THE WELCOMED SNEEZE

A LONE RANGER/TONTO CLASSIC

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?'

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

   

What's it tell you, Tonto?'


'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole our tent.'

IMPRESSING A "SWEET YOUNG THING"

I was working out in the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing... 

I asked the trainer that was near-by, "What machine should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?" 

The trainer looked me up and down and said…"Try the ATM in the lobby."

DIRTY MONEY

Have you ever wondered if the dollar bills in your purse or wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack? 

If not, you're wondering now. Have a nice day!

Always remember to wash your hands after handling money!

MASSAGE ETIQUETTE

GOT MILK?!

Strange...so do I!

RANCHER INVESTIGATED ON POOR WAGE PRACTICES

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

 

GOV’T AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.” 

 

RANCHER: ”Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. 

 

Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife, occasionally.” 

 

GOV’T AGENT: “That’s the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.” 

 

RANCHER: “That would be me.”

ALCOHOL - THE MIRACLE DRUG!

How To Stop Women From Bitching

The Blond Antelope!

How's that for service?!

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it so they had her re-possessed!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

Rhian Touches Herself

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

 
‘Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners..."

 
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

 
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' 

 
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

 
"Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

 
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

THE TABLE CLOTH TRICK!

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Wouldn't bother me!

THE ECONOMY IS BAD FOR SEX?

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

THE HAND-JOB!

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. 

I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year!  You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

PEDOPHILE ANNIVERSARY

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. 

It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

GAGS FOR CELLPHONE USERS

IF YOU'RE GONNA BE DUMB, BETTER BE TOUGH!

It's one of the laws of nature that the stupid usually remove themselves from the gene pool.

PARASITES ARE EATING UP AMERICA

I like it when Herman Cain says, 

"People need to leave the Democrat plantation!"

THE THREE SAMURAI

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief. A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. 

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. 

 

The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumble bee dropped dead at the Emperor's feet, neatly chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

 

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead at the Emperor's feet, neatly chopped into four small pieces. 

 

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

 

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. 

 

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"

 

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

ARE YOU SURROUNDED BY ASSHOLES?!

SOMEWHERE IN THE HOOD, TWO BUICKS ARE MISSING SEAT COVERS!

Prom night in the Harlem!

DOES THIS DRESS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?!

UNDER THE HEADING OF WTF!

Mamma Belly!